The Jerry Duncan Show: Nancy Pelosi interview

Our intrepid radio talk show host Jerry Duncan interviews Nancy Pelosi.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is the Democratic Minority leader of the U.S. House of Representatives Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi.

Nancy Pelosi by DonkeyHotey
Nancy Pelosi. Image by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com.

NANCY PELOSI

Hello Jerry.

JERRY

Man, you are tiny. Those hands and feet are the size of a Barbie Doll.

PELOSI

So is your brain.

JERRY

Hey, I do the insults around here.

PELOSI

Don’t mess with my head. I know people who can make you disappear.

JERRY

When you were the House Majority Speaker, what was your relationship like with President George W. Bush?

PELOSI

We didn’t agree on much. I fought to keep social security solvent. He wanted to gamble that money on stock and bond investments. Can you imagine? Wall Street and banks collapsed under this man in 2007 and it could have been worse.

JERRY

(dramatic) I remember when my 401K tanked. I remember when W was reading My Pet Goat to little kids as the Twin Towers came crashing down in New York City. I remember when the crypt keeper Dick Cheney shot his buddy in the face bird hunting. And I remember belching loud in a movie theatre during A Beautiful Mind for shits and giggles.

PELOSI

Are you finished?

JERRY

Go ahead.

PELOSI

And if that wasn’t bad enough, President Bush started a war in Iraq that put our economy in the crapper.

JERRY

(singing to the tune of the West Side Story song Maria) Katrina, I just met a flood named Katrina.

PELOSI

That too. I saved America, Jerry. It was me and me alone. (she starts singing the Helen Reddy song I am Woman)

I am woman hear me roar, in numbers too big to ignore, And I know too much to go back and pretend.

JERRY

Knock it off Pelosi. Your voice sucks.

PELOSI

I’m warning you to watch your potty mouth.

JERRY

I understand some of your members want you to give up the speakership because you’re a drag on the party. The Democrats haven’t won much since 2008.

PELOSI

Democrats were hacked in 2016. Trump cheated. We didn’t lose. Putin won.

JERRY

All right. Then how do you make a comeback?

PELOSI

We are currently reproducing clones of Elizabeth Warren in a secret laboratory. There will be hundreds of her running for office in 2018. These clones will literally kick butt if anyone gets in the way. They have sharp shoes that can cut through steel. I suggest you start wearing a nut cup.

JERRY

Okay. Let’s say these Warren zombies invade the U.S. How will that help Americans?

PELOSI

We won’t give tax cuts to the wealthy at the expense of the middle class and poor. We’ll have money for infrastructure to build roads and bridges. There will be subsidies for health insurance so premiums can be lowered and provide more services.

JERRY

As Moe from The Three Stooges would say, “You’re a pretty smart ignoramus.”

PELOSI

Coming from you, I take that as a compliment.

JERRY

You’re 77- years old and the size of Chris Christie’s arm. You probably only had one or two facelifts.

PELOSI

Whoa. Did you say I had a facelift?

JERRY

(sheepish) Well, I assume.

PELOSI

(angry, pulling the tight skin on her neck) Do I have a turkey neck? No! Does my nose look chiseled like a Picasso? No! Do I dye my hair? (pause) Two out of three ain’t bad.

JERRY

What do you do for fun?

PELOSI

I have no fun. I’m always working to outsmart my opponents. For instance, I invented a machine that reduces your mental age by 60 years. My first experiment is going to be on Trump. He will still look 71 -years old, but reduced to a playmate for Barron. I will then become the first female president. Pussy power!

JERRY

You have a bunch of kids.

PELOSI

Yes And grandkids. I’m so busy that I forgot their names. Oh well, it will come to me. Let’s see, there’s ini, mini, miny. I don’t know. Next question.

JERRY

Who is your idol?

PELOSI

Mary Todd Lincoln. That brave soul overcame adversity when her husband was assassinated.

JERRY

Wait a second, she ended up in a mental institution.

PELOSI

Bad example.

JERRY

My final question is what advice would you give to young women struggling to make ends meet?

PELOSI

That’s a no brainer. Marry a rich guy like I did. You can be a millionaire without playing the lottery. God bless America.

JERRY

Good-bye everyone. See you tomorrow.

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Dean Kaner

Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. His play The Boys of Winter received an IRNE Award nomination for best new play by the New England Theatres Critic Association and was the Critic’s Pick in The Boston Globe. He is presently developing a screenplay that will be directed by Scott Rosenfelt, the producer of the box office hits Home Alone and Mystic Pizza.