F’ing Chutes & Ladders

You don’t start out by calling someone an “f’ing moron.”

Will Durst, F’ing Chutes & Ladders

Here’s the deal: You don’t start out by calling someone an “f’ing moron.” That’s a final exclamatory heave after exhausting all other slanders. Fool. Jerk. Pinhead. Nitwit. Idiot. Nincompoop. Moron. Until finally… f’ing moron. It doesn’t quite scale the heights of “total f’ing moron” or “banana faced monkey dribbler,” but it’s close.

So Rex Tillerson must have been at the end of his rope when he flung that particular phrase of scorn and contempt at Donald Trump. Sounds like a spontaneous human explosion stemming from a well of frustration so deep it echoes. The sort of expletive one blurts out after bludgeoning one’s thumb with one’s hammer. Repeatedly.

According to NBC News, the outburst occurred after the president voiced his desire to increase our nuclear weapons to 1969 levels of around 30,000 warheads as opposed to the 4,000 available now. Because more is better and most is best. And too much is not enough. And other 80s buzz phrases, all accompanied to the soundtrack of A Flock of Seagulls’ Greatest Hits. Like “Donald Trump’s Kept Campaign Promises,” a short playlist.  

Pentagon officials were aghast and quickly provided the president with an impromptu clinic detailing how today’s smaller arsenal is more nimble and effective than the unwieldy collection of 50 years ago. And the chances they used a pie chart with bright numbers in huuuuge circles and bold arrows in primary colors are high.

As a candidate, Donald Trump said he knew a lot about ‘nuclear” because his uncle was a physicist at MIT. Which makes about as much sense as tie-joists made out of pudding. A lot of us visited the animation room at Disneyland where Tinkerbell was created, but that doesn’t mean we can poop fairly dust or fly.

When questioned about the purported insult, the Secretary of State feigned outrage saying he would not dignify the rumor with an answer, but refused to deny flinging the calumny. Leaving it all up to our imaginations.

The Donald said the whole thing was fake news, but then challenged Secretary Tillerson to an IQ test saying “And I can tell you who is going to win.” Leaving it all up to our imaginations. So they have that in common.

This IQ thing seems to be a continuing theme with the 45th President. He challenged London Mayor Sadiq Khan to an IQ test and said Rick Perry should take an IQ test before being included in the Republican debates. But then he picked the former Texas Governor to head his Department of Energy. So, apparently he doesn’t hold much stock in his own opinions. Which must come in handy, when you have so many conflicting ones.

On a Sunday morning show, Tillerson took the high road and didn’t accuse Trump of not being able to spell IQ if you spotted him the “I” and told him the rest was between P & R and rhymed with U. But you got the feeling he wanted to.

George W Bush may have been a Wheel of Fortune president in a Jeopardy world. But Donald Trump is more of a Chutes & Ladders kind of a guy. Too bad the presidency, like the sides of toy boxes, doesn’t have a suggested age rating. At least something that said: “For mature adults only.”

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Will Durst
The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” The Humor Times says "Durst is the Sage of Satire, the Learned Lampooner, the King of Political Satire!" Check his website, willdurst.com, for upcoming stand-up performance dates. Will's books, including Elect to Laugh! A Hilarious, Common Sense Guide to American Politics are available at Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. From Ulysses Press.
Will Durst

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