Ripping the Headlines Today, 11/13/17

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

headlines today, Trump, Easter

Trump says Putin again denied election interference, and he believes him

As does his pal, the Easter Bunny.

April the Giraffe is reportedly pregnant again 7 months after giving birth

Or, as the babies are also known — Anchor Giraffes.

Republican tax plan would strip deduction for teachers buying classroom supplies

Although, on the upside, they’ll be well enough armed to hold up a Target for those school supplies.

Ten Commandments Judge Roy Moore accused of preying on teenage girls

Preying… praying. Potato. Potato.

Stephen Hawking issues dire warning: We have less than 600 years until Earth becomes a sizzling fireball

No word if Dr Hawking felt that was a positive or a negative.

There was a captive audience at Rome’s new film festival, which took place in a prison

Soon to be known as the Harvey Weinstein Film Festival.

Netflix fires Kevin Spacey from ‘House of Cards’

Although, it might just be easier to make a character trade with ‘Orange is the New Black.’

Michael Flynn worried about his son’s legal exposure

Or, as it’s technically known in legal terms, ‘Duh.’

‘You won’t have Nixon to kick around anymore… This is my last press conference’ —Nixon after defeat for Cal. governor, on this day 55 years ago

Damn, he even lied about that.

Rand Paul suffers five broken ribs in assault by neighbor: Report

So, Atlas Slugged…

Texas AG wants more guns in churches

Like the Lord said, ‘beat those ploughshares into swords.’

Jared’s team turned over documents in Russia investigation

Trump: ‘Who? He showed up at my daughter’s wedding. Bad dancer… Barely talked.’

3 UCLA men’s basketball players — including LiAngelo Ball — arrested in China for shoplifting

Great, now we’re offshoring our petty theft.

Forbes takes Wilbur Ross off billionaires list, says he lied to them for years about his net worth

Or, it’s just a ploy to lower his bail…

Sexual harassment scandal takes down leading Republican politician in Kentucky

He’s already sent resumes to Weinstein Co. and FOX News.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)
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