What’s your sign? Check out your and every other jerk’s Funny Horoscope April 2018, right here!
What? You don’t even believe in astrology? No matter, it doesn’t believe in you! And you could be wrong. Just in case, here’s your Funny Horoscope April 2018. Be sure to share your friends’ snarky outlooks with them!
|Aries: Happy Birthday, fiery, egotistical Rams! It just so happens that you’re the lead jerk in this column. If you weren’t so sure of yourself, you’d be quite intolerable, but as it is, you capture attention like a fancy new ring – with or without a real gemstone.|
|Taurus: Bulls are large, scary animals. Venus, your planetary ruler, is a sensuous beauty. Like a salad from McDonald’s, the cosmic sky is still trying to figure-out where the hell you fit in.|
|Gemini: This month, one side of you is likely to feel like a fiery, egotistical Ram. Embrace this and enjoy being able to make a decision – because just like a bipartisan law, it isn’t going to last long.|
|Cancer: The Moon calls you to be especially daring this month, to brave the world outside of the confines of your home town, but it’s not going to change anything. After all, Republicans can claim to be Libertarians all they want, but the parties will still go on without them.|
|Leo: Rarr! Yeah, we can hear you just fine, but in the end, you’re just like a puppet politician – meowing at nothing with great vigor and lack of purpose.|
|Virgo: This month, planetary energies ask you to do the impossible: analyze social structures and mainstream culture without wanting a zombie apocalypse to occur.|
|Libra: Happy Easter! Just enjoy yourself and forget that eggs and bunnies have nothing to do with it, and perverts are never going to stop hunting for children posing in underwear for Sears ads.|
|Scorpio: The universe has granted you an uncanny ability to understand esoteric concepts. It’s just too bad this culture sees the concept of resurrection as an opportunity to barf pastel colors and pimp chocolate bunnies.|
|Sagittarius: Your ruling planet, Jupiter, is full of amazing, positive – expansive energies, but just remember, a stockpile of Cadbury eggs will only expand your waistline.|
|Capricorn: The life journey of a Capricorn is a slow, up-hill climb. Even fellow Goat Jim Carrey said: “It’s nice to finally get scripts offered to me that aren’t the ones Tom Hanks wipes his butt with.”|
|Aquarius: You’re likely concerned about the recent high school shootings – just like every other American who slurps-up the microcosmic jargon of mainstream media instead of challenging the omnipresence of political corruption and depravity.|
|Pisces: Not only will you feel like a fish out of water this month, but you’ll also feel like Trump in a bathing suit – with the shape of a blowfish, and the poisonous insides to go along with it.|