Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Trump/Kim summit: US and North Korean leaders hold historic talks
No word if Kim brought coffee mugs to Summit from same store as giant envelope to draw attention to Trump’s tiny hands.
Willie Nelson reveals why he’s still ‘On the Road Again’ at 85
Uh, he’s smoked so much weed, he forgot where his house is…?
Merkel: G-7 summit with Trump was a ‘sobering’ experience
Really, Angela? ‘Cause it’s driving the rest of us to drink.
Justices side with Colorado baker on same-sex wedding cake
If gay people boycott working on straight people weddings, there’ll be no weddings….
Report: Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert believes he can build championship team without LeBron James
Ambien strikes again!
Manafort faces new indictment with witness tampering allegations, his attorneys deny he’s a flight risk
This guy doesn’t need a lawyer; he needs Kim Kardashian on his speed dial.
Giuliani says people who work in Porn should get zero respect
Really? Looks to me like the only difference right now between Stormy Daniel and Rudy is they both screw people for money, but Stormy is actually good at her job.
Rachel Dolezal, former NAACP leader who posed as a black woman, accused of welfare fraud
Not only isn’t she black, bet we find out she’s related to Meghan Markle on the white side of her family.
Trump didn’t know the words to ‘God Bless America’ during White House replacement event for Eagles celebration
Of course not, his name isn’t mentioned in it.
Man run down, 50 years after killing girl in hit-and-run
…now that’s ‘Carma.’
Trump: Trudeau’s criticism will cost Canada ‘a lot of money’
Damn, I didn’t know he could force Canada into investing in a real estate project with Jared Kushner.
New York’s Katz’s Deli offers a subscription service for its famous pastrami
Or, as it’s also known, a ‘Heart Bipastrami’ subscription.
Hannity: Mueller witnesses should ‘bash their phones to pieces’
Given the amount of people that’ll need new phones, I’m buying Apple stock!
Ivanka Trump tweeted a ‘Chinese proverb’ that doesn’t actually exist
Like Lincoln said ‘don’t trust everything you read on the internet.’