[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Trade War Threatens Trump’s Favorite Personal Care Products

Trump secretly fears China could remove his personal care products from the American market.

Inside sources today confirmed that President Trump fears becoming a victim of his own trade war. Trump, who relies of several imported personal care products and cosmetics to maintain his unique look, is distraught that China may remove them from the American market — or worse, discontinue their manufacture as a way to extract trade concessions from the U.S.

Trump personal care productsThe products in question include Trump’s preferred spray tan, Ultra Bright Orangutan Orange #9, White Glow eye socket enhancer (which he uses everyday for the reverse raccoon look he favors), Pure Aryan Blond Hair dye, his longtime hair color, and Strong Bond hair piece adhesive, known familiarly as Elephant Glue. All of these are Chinese made and threatened by the trade war he initiated.

“There’s a real fear that if China pulls these products from the American market and they become unavailable Trump may be forced to revert to his natural skin tone and hair color,” said one White House insider. “And no one — not even the President — knows what that looks like.”

Underlining the seriousness of the crisis, the president has ordered Secretary of State Mike Pompeo to appeal directly to Xi Jin Ping to change course and keep exporting these products as a personal favor, despite the trade war.

Additionally, aides point to a recent call to new pal Kim Jong Un as evidence of the President’s growing desperation. Trump was overheard telling the Korean leader that he could be flexible about the “denuke” thing if Kim would plead his case with the Chinese leader. Should all these efforts fail Trump, has pre-ordered a boatload of his favorite products on Amazon, terming the order a matter national security.

Trump is convinced his bright, luminescent look is part of his magic, and without it some of his appeal to his base will be gone. “China, China, China,” the president ruefully lamented the other day. “It’s always China. Why can’t an America company come up with products this good? Except for that Elephant Glue stuff, which doesn’t really work as well as advertised. “

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Larry Dell

Larry Dell

Larry Dell is a writer, artist and former public relations executive. He was born and raised in Brooklyn, NY and currently resides in East Orange, NJ. Previously, he was the arts and entertainment reporter for "The Local," a NY Times website covering several northern N.J. towns.
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