Ripping the Headlines Today, 7/30/18

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to: Spice Girls reunion and much more!

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

headlines today Spice Girls Reunion

Spice Girls reunion talk

Which raises the question: Is that what they want? What they really, really want…

US announces $12B in aid to farmers hurt by trade tariffs

Or, as Whole Foods calls it the ‘10 Items or Less’ aisle.

There are at least 12 audio tapes the government seized from Michael Cohen

Damn, too bad R Kelly already used the title ‘I Admit!’

Happy birthday 54th Birthday, Barry Bonds

Although, he’s officially listed as being 54*.

Why white people keep calling 911 on black Americans

And, what kinda phone are these white people using that keeps calling 911 on black folks!? A Klandroid?!

Trump hails UK ties after slamming PM May

… although, I’m betting, he’ll keep making his ties in China.

Washington Post: Twitter suspends over 70 million accounts in two months

Dah!

White House faces claims of fake weather news

… I don’t know. Trump’s always in danger of Stormy conditions.

Omarosa’s tell-all book promises “jaw-dropping” details about the President

Rest of us:  Omarosa? Who?

Police: Naked man arrested at ‘Planet Fitness’ said he thought it was a ‘judgment free zone’

No word if they released him based on insufficient evidence.

Red hot Planet: Record heat waves have been set all over the world this week

How hot is it? It’s so hot Paul Manafort is now also being charged with leaving his toupee in a car with the windows rolled up.

Happy 75th Birthday, Mick Jagger

You’ll always look great as long as you keep standing next to Keith Richards.

Rosanne Barr’s doing an interview on Hannity

Mostly to prove they’re not the same person!

House of Representative members heading home for their summer recess

… when where they should be off to is detention.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)
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