Horoscopes for Jerks: September, 2018

What’s your sign? Check out your Funny Horoscope September 2018, and the outlook for all those jerks you know, right here!

What? You don’t even believe in astrology? No matter, it doesn’t believe in you! And you could be wrong. Just in case, here’s your Funny Horoscope September 2018. Be sure to share your friends’ snarky outlooks with them, too! (Check out past funny horoscopes here.) 

Zodiac_01-Aries Aries: Fall is the best time ever for you to hide your horns, stay away from the natural world, and distrust all humans: it’s hunting season.
Zodiac_02-Taurus Taurus: Yeah, we know: you’re not going to do anything except watch football and eat heart-attack inducing foods for the next five months.
Zodiac_03-Gemini Gemini: You’re fitting right in – half Summer; half Fall. Half moron; half genius. Half media; half conspiracy.
Zodiac_04-Cancer Cancer: Hide those claws scaredy crab, then make a good show with them after you’re stuck in a dirty bucket held by an old fat guy, like members of the house of “representatives.”
Zodiac_05-Leo" Leo: The change in seasons represents a great time to calm down and rest assured that Trump’s new military space force will keep aliens from abducting you.
Zodiac_06-Virgo" Virgo: Happy Birthday to you! You analyze too much, and the details turn you blue! Eat cake and expand your milieu!
Zodiac_07-Libra" Libra: Being ruled by Venus doesn’t make you attractive: it just makes your bitchiness irresistible to fellow indecisives and Pottery Barn patrons.
Zodiac_08-Scorpio Scorpio: Unlike a scorpion, you’ve probably been homogenized by hashtag-latte-tbh-meme McCreality, and now you’re about as mysterious as a sloth dressed-up like an Egyptian.
Zodiac_09-Sag Sagittarius: They’re coming to take you away, aha!… From the facility, not because you’re better, but because your insurance ran-out.
Zodiac_10-Cap Capricorn: Your sign is like the antithesis of the millennial mindset. It is your cosmic duty to fight a losing cultural battle for at least the next twenty years.
Zodiac_11-Aquarius Aquarius: Greetings Water Pitcher people! Make a difference and drown your shallow acquaintance list!
Zodiac_12-Pisces Pisces: All the colorful natural decay of Fall may intoxicate you with its beauty and symbolism… just try to keep your dead leaf collection to a minimum this year.

zodiac, horoscope September 2018, signs

zodiac, horoscope September 2018, signs
Mosaic pavement of a 6th century synagogue at Beth Alpha, Jezreel Valley, northern Israel. It was discovered in 1928. Signs of the zodiac surround the central chariot of the Sun (a Greek motif), while the corners depict the 4 “turning points” (“tekufot”) of the year, solstices and equinoxes, each named for the month in which it occurs. Enjoy this Funny Horoscope September 2018, and please share!
Jennifer Hollie Bowles
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