[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Kavanaugh Defends His Originalist Position

As an originalist, Kavanaugh is against constitutional amendments.

In a recent interview with this reporter, Brett Kavanaugh was asked to elaborate on his position as an originalist. The transcript appears below.

brett kavanaugh originalistKavanaugh: “It’s really quite simple and straight-forward. It means that I interpret and apply the Constitution exactly as it was intended by our Founding Fathers at the end of the 18th century, without any additions or modifications.”

Reporter: “But that was over 200 years ago. Don’t you think some modifications for the major changes in society and the world in general might be needed.”

Kavanaugh: “Of course not! What’s right is right and doesn’t change with the whimsies of history or some new trendy beliefs. It’s like the Bible or the 10 Commandments. Why do you think the commandments were written in stone!”

Reporter: “Can you give me some examples of these “whimsies and trendy beliefs.”

Kavanaugh: “The most obvious one is voters’ rights. The Founding Fathers recognized that for the good of the country, only white men should vote. After all, they controlled the economic power which was the future of the country and that hasn’t changed in 200 years.”

Reporter: “Are you implying that aside from the Bill of Rights that was written by the Founding Fathers, that none of the other amendments to the Constitution count?”

Kavanaugh: “That’s exactly what I’m saying. They’re all revisionist.”

Reporter: “You mean you don’t think women should have a right to vote?”

Kavanaugh: “The Founding Fathers knew a woman’s place, in the kitchen or the bedroom (whether she wanted to be there or not). That extends to this Roe v. Wade nonsense. The Founding Fathers were very aware that women weren’t capable of making decisions about their own bodies.”

Reporter: “But, but what about slavery.”

Kavanaugh: “I’m not at all racist, and I’m sure the Founding Fathers weren’t either. I just don’t believe that belongs in the Constitution. It’s more a issue to be dealt with by the states. Besides slavery can apply to any race, so it isn’t necessarily racist.”

Reporter: “The Founding Fathers were very concerned with making sure the President wouldn’t become another king like George III and abuse his power. You seem to be in favor of not limiting the President’s power. How do you reconcile this with your Originalist position?”

Kavanaugh: “It’s very logical. The Founding Fathers set up the checks and balances with the three branches of government, so the other two branches can give or limit the President’s power however they want. Besides, the Founding Fathers knew in George Washington they had a man of integrity who always put the good of the country above his own benefit, who was not vainglorious, and was respected by all his countrymen.”

Reporter: “I don’t understand how George Washington’s character relates to your argument.”

Kavanaugh: “I trust in the American people. They would never elect anyone to the presidency who didn’t share these same qualities.”

Diane de Anda