Ripping the Headlines Today, 9/18/18

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Elon Musk

Neil DeGrasse Tyson on Elon Musk: ‘Let the man get high’

Well, you can’t spell DeGrasse without ‘G R A S S.’

$5.3 million home in San Francisco wrecked after Airbnb rental

… so how much damage could they’ve done to a studio apartment?

Tennis umpires reportedly considering boycott of Serena Williams matches

You know what you call a tennis arena where the umps show up and Serena doesn’t?  Empty.

Robots can develop prejudices just like humans

…. and crushes, so watch out sexy toasters everywhere…

Nike on-line sales went up 31% since Kaep announcement

And that’s just among Anonymous senior members of the Trump Administration.

Paul McCartney says he masturbated with John Lennon: ‘It was good harmless fun’

… and means I can never, ever, again listen to the song ‘Come Together.’

Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh denies having a gambling problem

… and he’s laid down $10 Grand at 3 to 1 odds to prove it.

Republicans in Texas mad at Willie Nelson for backing Beto

It’s like he smoked all that weed, and they forgot who he is.

Justin Bieber is moving to Canada and taking Hailey Baldwin with him

… OK, now the U.S is just being cruel!

Trump approval rating among black Americans in new ABC/Post poll — 3% approve/93% disapprove

Fake newsl! That’s supposed to be 3 people, actually, 2 because, y’know, Omarosa.

US added 201,000 jobs in August

Although, most of those went to jurors on Trump related cases.

Pussy Riot member in critical condition after suspected poisoning

Or, as they say in Russia from ‘natural causes.’

How to make Bulletproof coffee at home

‘Bulletproof’ coffee? Guessing it has something to do with having so much caffeine you can’t stand still long enough to be an easy target.

Paul Manafort takes plea deal

Good thing, because you could only find a jury of his peers in Russia.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)
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