[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Electoral College Electors Hiding Out from Democrats

Electors have had to give up their former posh lifestyles and join the Federal Witness Protection Program.

Life is not easy for any of the 538 Electors from the 2016 election. Too many people with good memories remember very well the outcome of that election because of the outcome of that election. The trouble can well be stated in one word that begins with ‘T’ that is associated in many minds with every evil from greed to lust to thinking way too well of oneself. A lot of these people have developed violent attitudes towards these so-called civil servants that has only worsened with the state of the Union’s degradation over the last two years.

Electoral College ElectorsUshered nightly from one nondescript hotel room to another under cover of darkness and being allowed to eat only in fast food chains and wearing common, everyday working class clothing has proved to be a severe strain to these electors who once enjoyed the upper echelons of society before their notoriety (a good poem could be made out of that, but I am not up to the challenge). Their severely limited lives give them some degree of safety from the legions who now seek their heads.

Falling under the jurisdiction of the Federal Witness Protection Program, the 538 Electoral College Electors had to give up their former posh lifestyles to hide their identities. The avalanche of media attention that occurred when they threw the election to the losing side of the general vote also created an avalanche of hate mail, death threats, and physical attacks of the type usually associated with Republicans losing.

Strangely, Democrats who are normally of the live and let live philosophy with benign pacifist tendencies have suddenly become bare-fanged, near rabid jackals in their pursuit and intent on taking down those who they see as having aided the Anti-Christ in a red tie to become the first American Czar.

Most of the Electors have had to move out of their cush Washington D.C. and state capitol cities and move into smaller, lesser trafficked towns where they wouldn’t be recognized or found. “It’s so boring here!” lamented George Williamson III of his new digs in Macom Falls Iowa. “No strip clubs, no night clubs, no late night live rock venues. This place sucks! I would rather go back to D.C. and let them lynch me! That would be a quick death. This here is a really slooooooowwwww murder!”

Whereas the lefties are usually associated with non-violence and anti-gun sentiment, when it comes to the electors they have been unusually aggressive and threatening in getting their prey. And fiendishly creative. Private jets pre-programmed for engine failure, strippers who pop out of cakes wearing only grenades located in easy-to-reach locations, poison ivy laced soap, limos with James Bondish rear ejection seats, hollowed out Bibles containing triggered tear gas cartridges, cars rigged to spray engine oil onto the brakes when the speed reaches 6o mph and other equally nasty surprises.

Many of the Federal Marshall’s guarding them are not happy with their assignment. “Some of us would just as soon let them ice the SOB’s and get it over with. I didn’t sign up for this. These liberals are savages! A redneck would just kill you. These lefties are clever and will torment you mentally and physically to death. They stop at nothing to get these electors. The worst part of it is they look like regular people. I’d rather be back in Iraq dealing with Al Queda!”

The cost of this this latest burden on the taxpayer is around several million a month, or, as Mr. ‘T’ would say, “Just chump change!” When asked if he would be willing to pay for this amount out of his pocket that is outrageous to most normal Americans, Mr. ‘T’ stated “No, go ahead and let the little people pay for it. They all love me.”

Roger Freed