‘Humor Times is the only poop-free news outlet in North America,’ the Pontiff said, making the sign of the cross. ‘And its readers don’t eat up no horse hockey, neither.’
ROME – At a Vatican news conference today, Pope Francis specifically absolved the US satirical magazine, Humor Times, “of the mortal sin of coprophilia,” and its readers of “coprophragia, as currently practiced by the hell-bound US media.”
Yesterday, the Pope made headlines when he claimed that journalism had “fallen prey to the sickness of coprophilia,” an inordinate pleasure in feces and defecation, while its viewers and readers practiced “coprophragia,” or eating the foul product.
Indeed, the only US publication he “trusted implicitly” was the Humor Times [get your Pope-approved holiday subscription here! – Ed.], “which, like court jesters through the ages, speaks truth to power under cover of gold, frankincense and mirth.”
The Pontiff said that Humor Times contributors consistently revealed “the lactose in the milk, the cavity under the tooth enamel, even the potato shoved up America’s exhausted exhaust,” by ruthlessly employing “mimicry, exaggeration and taking flying and sometimes completely irresponsible leaps into the lead-poisoned lake of the future.”
It was a miracle they hadn’t drowned, said the Pope. Even more miraculous, he added, glancing upwards, was the fact that these practices had enabled Humor Times to accurately predict, among other things, Trump’s coming move to suspend the Constitution, Melania’s decision to divorce him, and the inevitable “American Spring” uprisings of 2018.
“So immediately subscribe to Humor Times!” Pope Francis commanded, speaking ex-cathedra. “After all, since Trump is the anti-Christ, it’s God’s work.”
Then he smiled broadly. “Just kidding,” he said, “but not really. Happy Christmas, and may God help us all next year.”
[Ed note: Don’t piss off the Pope! Subscribe today — makes a blessed holiday gift!]
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