[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Trump Gives Surprise Tribute to Great American Women

In a surprise address today, President-elect Donald Trump reflected on the many outstanding women whose courage, vision and ‘keen fashion sense’ have helped shape our great nation.

Susan B. Anthony

She led the women’s suffrage movement in the early 1900s and there is a dollar coin with her face on it. I’ve never seen a photo of her smiling. She should have smiled more. If she had, the US Mint would be spitting thousands of these coins out every minute. Total lost opportunity.

Trump on women, Eleanor Roosevelt and Shirley Temple
By Unknown – U.S. National Archives and Records Administration, Public Domain.

Eleanor Roosevelt

Thank God this former First Lady had smarts because let’s face it: she was no prize in the looks department. Maybe growing her hair out would have helped, although considering how she was built like a linebacker, probably not. She did do some good things, though. And she was married to a guy in a wheelchair so I think she should get some credit for that.

Sally Ride

She was the first American woman in space. In some photos, she’s actually kind of cute but in most of them, she looks like the kind of woman who’d be changing oil at Jiffy Lube, if you know what I mean. Not my personal taste.

Maya Angelou

One of the great women poets and writers. Or so I’m told. I never read any of her stuff. Too many stanzas.

Gloria Steinem

Gloria Steinem is a feminist and activist who back in the day, was smoking hot. I think being hot should disqualify someone from being a feminist, in all honesty. But considering that she’s not so hot anymore, I think she can reclaim the title.

Rosa Parks

As the mother of the civil rights movement, Rosa Parks is regarded as a hero for not giving up her seat on a bus. Doesn’t sound like much of a hero to me. I like heroes who actually DO things, not those who DON’T do things. She always wore glasses in pictures. I think she would have looked better in contacts.

Helen Keller

Famous for being born blind, deaf and dumb, Helen would later go on to spell w-a-t-e-r, launching her into international stardom. You can’t really fault her for looking plain—she couldn’t see herself and she couldn’t hear if someone told her to brush her hair or whatever. Admirable woman.

Amelia Earhart

If I had been alive in the 1920s and 1930s, I definitely would have dated her. She had striking features, even if she didn’t play them up enough. I could have kept her from disappearing.

Maya Lin

Maya Lin is an American designer who at the age of 21, designed the Vietnam Veterans Memorial in Washington, DC. She claims to have been born in Ohio but come on, look at her. Ohio? Be real.

Hillary Rodham Clinton

Some might be surprised to see me honor the woman I mocked, demonized, humiliated and belittled for a year on the campaign trail. But since she no longer poses a threat to my power, I am able to speak fondly of her once again. Tragically, she will probably best be remembered not for her intellect, preparedness, composure, thoughtfulness or experience, but for her failure to comprehend how very little these qualities mattered to the American people.

Eileen McVety