Ripping the Headlines Today, 11/19/19

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Sesame Street
Sesame Street characters.

Sesame Street turns 50

So, it’s almost ready to be brought to you by the letters A, A, R and P.

Kanye says he may change his name to Christian Genius Billionaire Kanye West

While I’m thinking a better name would be Cra-Z!

Veterans celebrate Veteran’s Day across the U.S.

I’m thinking veterans should get free internet. First, it’s the least we could do. Second, how cool would it be to call it “Semper WiFi?”

Trump Cabinet turnover keeps growing

When Ben Carson finally wakes up at a Cabinet meeting, he isn’t going to recognize many faces.

Neil Young says U.S. citizenship application delayed by marijuana use

… why the people on citizenship panel were smoking marijuana has yet to be disclosed.

Sarah Palin headed to trial in divorce battle with Todd

While Putin says he could see this coming from his house.

Airline pilot receives $300K for wrongful arrest after being seen naked near airport

No word if his seat wasn’t the only thing in an upright position…

Breaking: Roger Stone convicted on all seven counts on charges filed in Mueller probe

… so technically it was a ‘Warlock Hunt.’

Happy 58th birthday Nadia Comaneci

Proving 58 is new perfect 10!

Rudy Giuliani discusses doing a podcast during Impeachment

No word if people are going to be allowed to butt dial in to ask questions.

Justin Bieber says Popeyes’ chicken sandwich is “not worth the hype”

… making it the Justin Bieber of sandwiches!

White supremacist emails from Trump Sr. Adviser Stephen Miller were released

There really oughta to be a website for them called TikiLeaks.

Kremlin says impeachment hearings are “absolutely none of our business”

Oh, Crimea River!

‘Days of Our Lives’ entire cast released from contracts

… but they could all come back soon as their long-lost twins…

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)
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