My Whistleblower Complaint

A very revealing letter to Adam Schiff from a wannabee whistleblower.


January 31, 2019

The Honorable Adam Schiff
Select Committee on Intelligence
United States House of Representatives

Dear Adam:

I’m not sure if I’m writing to the correct person, but I’ve seen you frequently on TV and you seem to be keen on whistleblowers and I’m thinking of becoming one myself.

In the course of my unofficial television viewing duties, I have received information from multiple cable news outlets and on-air national TV networks suggesting that the President of the United States is abusing his executive powers. This has been going on for almost three years, so I’m kind of surprised that the President is still in office. I therefore thought it advisable to let you know about his offenses since it appears you may not have been paying attention.

  1. Apparently there was an audio tape with the President bragging that he could grab women “by the pussy” with impunity. You might want to check into this for a possible criminal charge or at least an informal censure.
  2. Rumor has it that the President, on at least two occasions, paid hush money to women with whom he had sexual relations. Although I don’t have direct knowledge of these events, my news sources assure me that they likely happened. A number of talking heads claim that you might get more information from a couple of lawyers named Michael Cohen and Rudy Giuliani.
  3. I’ve listened to a lot of political panels on CNN and they frequently mention that many foreign leaders and diplomats book rooms in the President’s hotels in order to curry favor with him. According to the pundits, there’s something in the Constitution called the Foreign Emoluments Clause which you might want to take a look at.
  4. The President insisted on holding the next G7 Summit in one of his resort properties in Florida although he appears to have backtracked on that decision. I don’t know about you but that just doesn’t seem right.
  5. I’m no accountant but I’m guessing if you could get a hold of Mr. Trump’s income tax returns, you might be on to something. Just saying.
  6. Maybe you missed it but last year a guy named Bob Mueller issued a report. It was long and pretty dry so I wouldn’t be surprised if you didn’t get a chance to read it but some of those TV talking heads (especially the ones on MSNBC) seem to think it comprises lots of evidence of obstruction of justice by the President. If you want to check it out, I strongly suggest that you not rely on any summary or analysis by one Bill Barr.
  7. It looks like the President is downright reckless, especially when it comes to foreign affairs. He cozies up to guys like Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong-un but then trashes America’s allies. I’m no expert but it seems to me that such behavior should be punished or at least curtailed.

If I can be of further assistance, just let me know. I recorded some of the relevant news shows on my DVR and would be happy to share those recordings with you. If you’re pressed for time, might I suggest a quick read of a few articles in the New York Times.

Yours truly,
A Wannabe Whistleblower

David Martin
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