Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Time for the NBA All-Star Weekend on TNT
Or, as the Kardashian’s call it ‘Tinder.’
Rush Limbaugh is weirdly fascinated with Pete Buttigieg kissing his husband
Rush has a husband?
People shocked Dog the Bounty Hunter’s engaged after only a few weeks of dating
In fairness, that’s like 7 years in Dog the Bounty Hunter Years.
John Bolton’s book coming out
In honor of Trump it will repeat Chapter 11 six times.
Happy 78th birthday, Mike Bloomberg
What you been up to? We barely hear from you.
Trump says the Coronavirus goes away when the weather warms up
Yeah, but, maybe it’s replaced by something cooler and more refreshing like CoronaLightVirus.
Justin Bieber sleeps in a hyperbaric chamber and gets weekly IV infusions since he’s gotten sober from weed
Damn, he’s one glove and a pet monkey from being Michael Jackson.
Roger Stone asks for a new trial after Trump accuses juror of bias
In fairness, Stone will never get a jury of his peers; but that’s mostly true because Bond villains are fictional.
Scientists discovered a marijuana compound that’s 30 times more potent than THC
But, then forgot where they put the information.
Televangelist Jim Bakker is selling a liquid that allegedly ‘kills’ the coronavirus for $300
… Proving he doesn’t need to reopen his Gospel theme park to take people for a ride.
Papa John’s founder clears the air: He didn’t eat 40 whole pizzas in 30 days
… I’m still betting the air isn’t clear…
Russia’s trust in Putin falls to six-year low despite high approval rating: pollster
Yup, it went from 124% to 118%.
Exxon’s market value has crumbled by 184 billion dollars
$167 billion if you pay for stock in cash.
Michael Avenatti convicted of trying to extort Nike for twenty million dollars
… or, about the same amount as a couple of pairs of Air Jordan’s.