[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

CDC Warns Against New Virus

Here is the latest warning from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC):

The CDC is closely monitoring an outbreak of political illness caused by a novel Washington, DC-based virus. Initially identified during the 2016 flu season, the Trump virus was thought to be simply a milder version of that year’s seasonal flu. However, it quickly mutated and was somehow able to infect that year’s presidential race.

CDC virusEven then, it was assumed that careful monitoring of the Trump virus would see it fade in intensity and geographical reach. Protective measures implemented by the Democrats in states such as California and New York were successful in halting the further spread of the Trump virus in those areas.

Unfortunately, Democrats overlooked such infected states as Wisconsin, Michigan and Pennsylvania and assumed that previous flu inoculations would halt the virus’s spread there. That miscalculation resulted in an unexpected electoral epidemic in early November with the virus overwhelming the District of Columbia and completely infecting the White House.

It was hoped that, with the passage of the 2016-17 flu season, the Trump virus would moderate in intensity and exhibit characteristics more typical of a presidential infection. Unfortunately, no such moderation occurred; in fact, if anything, the Trump virus displayed even more noxious symptoms and soon became a full-fledged pandemic.

Last year, it was thought that the investigation by the so-called Mueller inquiry would detail a plan to control this latest pathogen and quickly halt its spread. Although the Mueller Report did provide a blueprint for containment, it was not spelled out precisely and its recommendations were mischaracterized by certain Trump viral companions.

Since then, the Trump virus continued to spread including to Ukraine with a view to infecting the 2020 U. S. presidential election. The House of Representatives took the unusual emergency action of trying to impeach the Trump virus but inexplicably the Senate refused to take the next remedial step.

Because of the Senate’s failure to quarantine the Trump virus, it is feared that it will now grow exponentially and spread throughout the country and elsewhere in the world. Given previously identified characteristics of the bug, it seems likely that it will engage foreign enemies to weaken political opponents and secure its hold on the White House.

At present, there is no known defense against the Trump virus. The nation’s political immunity has been breached and the body politic is in grave danger. Such recently-identified microorganisms as the McConnell, Graham and Dershowitz bacteria may leave the electorate defenseless.

The only current hope is to inoculate the population with a voting vaccine. The problem with this approach is that an inoculation rate of fifty percent is insufficient to defeat the virus. In order to achieve so-called herd immunity, it is necessary to achieve a participation rate of sixty percent or more.

Even if an effective voting vaccine can be implemented, there is no guarantee that the Trump virus will succumb to majority rule. In that case, the CDC recommends that the public seek shelter in a nearby virus-free country like Canada.

David Martin
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