Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews New York Governor Andrew Cuomo and his Aunt Gina Tortellini.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Is it a good morning? Yes, it is. Today my guests are New York Governor Andrew Cuomo and his Aunt Gina Tortellini.
JERRY
Welcome Governor Cuomo and Ms. Tortellini.
GOVERNOR ANDREW CUOMO
I am the smartest person in politics. Have you heard my daily briefings on the COVID-19 pandemic?
JERRY
I flunked chemistry. Boring.
CUOMO
My Aunt Gina will educate you, Duncan.
GINA TORTELLINI
(speaks with Italian accent) Thank a you, Andrew. People ask a me. What is coronavirus? So I a tell them. What the hell a do I know? I think it comes from beer. I do know there are a things you need a to do to stay a healthy.
First. Wash a your hands with soap and water for a 20 seconds. God knows where they have a been. Favorite a spots for fingers are inside the nose or a belly button.
Second. Stay away from a Harvey Weinstein.
Third. Make a sure you have enough a toilet paper. If it’s a brown, you need to a flush it down.
Fourth. You need to…
JERRY
We get it. Shut up your face.
TORTELLINI
Duncan. Cousin Sal will a make you disappear in the East River!
CUOMO
Hold on Aunt Gina. I cut a deal with all the crime families. No bodies floating in the East River until the coronavirus ends.
JERRY
I thank you, Governor. On a sad note. Did you hear about the Italian chef in Little Italy that died?
CUOMO
No.
JERRY
He pasta away.
TORTELLINI
I’m gonna take a meat a ball sandwich and ficcalo nel culo. Shove it uppa your ass! Capiche?
JERRY
Got the memo.
JERRY
Wow. Governor Cumo, you have quite the resume. In 1997, Secretary of Housing and Urban Development in the Clinton Administration. In 2006, elected Attorney General of New York. In 2010, elected Governor of New York.
CUOMO
I introduced the strictest gun control laws in the U.S. Raised taxes on the wealthy and lowered taxes for the middle class. And a list of legislative accomplishments a mile long.
TORTELLINI
And he a married a Kennedy. Un sacco di soldi. Lots of money.
CUOMO
Kerry Kennedy was a wonderful woman. The only complaint was that my wallet was too small to hold all of the $100 bills for my allowance. After 15 years, I divorced her because she bought an island and forgot to buy the people.
TORTELLINI
He was a miserable with her.
JERRY
Didn’t take long for you to hook up with that hot television chef Sandra Lee.
CUOMO
I told Sandra if you come to my house on Black Friday, all clothes will be 100 percent off. It worked.
TORTELLINI
And they a were together for 14 a years.
Donald Trump bursts through the studio door.
PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP
The coronavirus is a Democrat hoax. More people die from the flu. This is all going to end before Easter. That’s the absolute deadline.
JERRY
And you’re an idiot. The coronavirus could spread even worse. And why the hell are you still here? You’re considered a non-essential worker.
TRUMP
No collusion. No obstruction. The perfect call. The perfect call.
CUOMO
Hey, Stupido. Where’s the thirty thousand ventilators and one million hospital masks you promised New York?
TRUMP
No clue. I need to call my shipping clerk Dr. Ben Carson.
CUOMO
Carson?! He’s so dumb that he tried to save your son Barron’s goldfish from drowning.
TRUMP
He did? I’m going to give him the Medal of Freedom. Medal of Freedom.
TORTELLINI
Don’t a piss a me off, Trumpster. I’m a running out of places to hide the bodies.
TRUMP
Gotta go.
TORTELLINI
Before you a do. I made a sandwich in your a honor.
TRUMP
Very nice. Very nice.
TORTELLINI
She’s a called the Trump sandwich. White a bread, full of a baloney, with Russian a dressing and a small a pickle.
TRUMP
Very bad. Very bad.
JERRY
See you tomorrow.
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