The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews New York Governor Andrew Cuomo

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews New York Governor Andrew Cuomo and his Aunt Gina Tortellini.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Is it a good morning? Yes, it is. Today my guests are New York Governor Andrew Cuomo and his Aunt Gina Tortellini.

Andrew Cuomo
Andrew Cuomo. Caricature by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com.

JERRY

Welcome Governor Cuomo and Ms. Tortellini.

GOVERNOR ANDREW CUOMO

I am the smartest person in politics. Have you heard my daily briefings on the COVID-19 pandemic?

JERRY

I flunked chemistry. Boring.

CUOMO

My Aunt Gina will educate you, Duncan.

GINA TORTELLINI

(speaks with Italian accent) Thank a you, Andrew. People ask a me. What is coronavirus? So I a tell them. What the hell a do I know? I think it comes from beer. I do know there are a things you need a to do to stay a healthy.

First. Wash a your hands with soap and water for a 20 seconds. God knows where they have a  been. Favorite a spots for fingers are inside the nose or a belly button.

Second. Stay away from a Harvey Weinstein.

Third. Make a sure you have enough a toilet paper. If it’s a brown, you need to a flush it down.

Fourth. You need to…

JERRY

We get it. Shut up your face.

TORTELLINI

Duncan. Cousin Sal will a make you disappear in the East River!

CUOMO

Hold on Aunt Gina. I cut a deal with all the crime families. No bodies floating in the East River until the coronavirus ends.

JERRY

I thank you, Governor.  On a sad note. Did you hear about the Italian chef in Little Italy that died?

CUOMO

No.

JERRY

He pasta away.

TORTELLINI

I’m gonna take a meat a ball sandwich and ficcalo nel culo. Shove it uppa your ass! Capiche?

JERRY

Got the memo.

JERRY

Wow. Governor Cumo, you have quite the resume. In 1997, Secretary of Housing and Urban Development in the Clinton Administration. In 2006, elected Attorney General of New York. In 2010, elected Governor of New York.

CUOMO

I introduced the strictest gun control laws in the U.S. Raised taxes on the wealthy and lowered taxes for the middle class. And a list of legislative accomplishments a mile long.

TORTELLINI

And he a married a Kennedy. Un sacco di soldi. Lots of money.

CUOMO

Kerry Kennedy was a wonderful woman. The only complaint was that my wallet was too small to hold all of the $100 bills for my allowance. After 15 years, I divorced her because she bought an island and forgot to buy the people.

TORTELLINI

He was a miserable with her.

JERRY

Didn’t take long for you to hook up with that hot television chef Sandra Lee.

CUOMO

I told Sandra if you come to my house on Black Friday, all clothes will be 100 percent off. It worked.

TORTELLINI

And they a were together for 14 a years.

Donald Trump bursts through the studio door.

PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP

The coronavirus is a Democrat hoax. More people die from the flu. This is all going to end before Easter. That’s the absolute deadline.

JERRY

And you’re an idiot. The coronavirus could spread even worse. And why the hell are you still here? You’re considered a non-essential worker.

TRUMP

No collusion. No obstruction. The perfect call. The perfect call.

CUOMO

Hey, Stupido. Where’s the thirty thousand ventilators and one million hospital masks you promised New York?

TRUMP

No clue. I need to call my shipping clerk Dr. Ben Carson.

CUOMO

Carson?! He’s so dumb that he tried to save your son Barron’s goldfish from drowning.

TRUMP

He did? I’m going to give him the Medal of Freedom. Medal of Freedom.

TORTELLINI

Don’t a piss a me off, Trumpster.  I’m a running out of places to hide the bodies.

TRUMP

Gotta go.

TORTELLINI

Before you a do. I made a sandwich in your a honor.

TRUMP

Very nice. Very nice.

TORTELLINI

She’s a called the Trump sandwich. White a bread, full of a baloney, with Russian a dressing and a small a pickle.

TRUMP

Very bad. Very bad.

JERRY

See you tomorrow.

Dean Kaner

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