[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

President’s Speaking Style Declared National Mental Health Disaster

Mental health disaster: The severity of the effect the president’s speech patterns have on the nation may actually be underestimated, says NIMH.

Citing several recent studies on anacoluthon, the technical term for the absence of grammatical sequence in speech, the National Institute of Mental Health has declared President Donald Trump’s speaking style a “national mental health disaster.”

mental health disasterThe declaration specifically cited the work of Nobel Prize winning linguist Noah Chafsky, who describes anacoluthon as “a subjective schizolingual verbal aberration common to megalomaniacs and the chronically self-aggrandizing.” The NIMH press release stresses that Dr. Chomsky’s definition, while accurate, may in fact grossly underestimate the severity of the effect the president’s speech patterns have on the nation.

Speaking to reporters outside the institute’s Atlanta, Georgia headquarters, NIMH Director Lauren Tzu stated, “The greatest danger to Americans is not just from listening to the president’s wildly kaleidoscopic speech patterns, but from trying to listen to them too fast. We have identified several significant psychoses that can result from listening to the president without frequent mental rests.”

When asked to clarify the institute’s specific recommendations, Ms. Tzu answered, “In the context of the current crisis in which sequestered Americans are hungry for any contact with the outside world, we, as a nation, seem to be overcoming our natural gag reflex and listening to the president on a much more frequent basis.

“Given this new national dynamic, we at NIMH have determined that our responsibility to the American public is to declare the president’s speech patterns a national mental health disaster, and to urge all Americans to either record his daily White House briefings and listen to them in small doses to mitigate the effects we have listed, or better yet to not listen to them at all if possible.”

Asked if she thought it likely that Americans could overcome such an entrenched habit cold turkey, the director explained, “We understand that morbid curiosity, such as the overwhelming desire to look at car wrecks on the freeway, is a deeply ingrained human mental pattern, and that the urge to listen to the president’s verbal train wrecks can be very, very difficult to overcome as well.

“That is why we are suggesting for those who can’t figuratively take their eyes off of the president’s verbal train wrecks that they simply record his briefings and listen to them in small segments interspersed with adequate mental relaxation. We think this approach could eventually lead to complete cessation of the habit.”

A handout included in the press packet identified more than twenty different psychoses believed to be associated with listening to the president, including:

Schizoaural Disorder: Delusions and hallucinations resulting from listening to psychedelic speech patterns.

Shared Auditory Psychotic Disorder: Groups of people listening to the same wildly non-sequitur speech patterns believe they are listening to each other hallucinate.

Collective Megalophrenia: Prevalent in crowds when people begin to believe they have become wise and powerful by listening to violently incoherent megalomaniacal ranting.

Aural Atrophic Nervous Collapse: The mind gradually shuts down and ceases to function externally as a result of incessant bombardment with preposterous and irrational ideas.

A Humor Times telephone poll of 1,017 registered Trump supporters produced the following responses:

Jack G., a currently unemployed truck driver from Abilene, Texas said, “What does she know? Donald Trump talks my language. My mental problems are from seven ex-wives, not Donald Trump.”

A carpenter from Banville, Indiana who asked to be referred to only as “The Trumpinator” replied, “I think it’s time we started listening to the real experts in the White House instead of some woman in a mental institute.”

Carol M., a postal worker from Tupelo, Mississippi responded, “He’s fine. That’s just the Clove Oil Virus talking.”

White House spokesman Hobart Giddily issued the following statement: “The president is, this is just fake news, the president is a great speaker and the world leaders know this, the president has mental powers. His uncle was a great, great brilliant man. Brilliant MIT man. Brilliant Harvard. Brilliant Wharton. The president understands things. He knows banking. Knows ISIS. He has closed the door to Mexicans. Mexican door closed. Closed the door to the Chinese. Chinese door closed.

“That is why America loves his speeches. Great speeches. Great first lady. The world leaders call him about this.  Beautiful speeches. Not Chinese speeches. Great beautiful American speeches. The president understands things. People wonder how he can know so much. World leaders call him about this all the time. His speeches made America great again.”

David Suter