[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Exclusive Report: Sixties Dance Craze Can Cure Coronavirus

SNN reports stunning discovery: Sixties dance craze can cure a variety of diseases, including COVID-19.

In an SNN (Slobovian News Network) Exclusive Report, it has been announced that the coronavirus can be cured by doing the popular sixties dance craze, the Twist.

sixties dance craze
Researchers stress dancers must dance six feet apart, as shown, and always in black and white.

This was recently discovered by Dr. Buncha Krappski, head of the Slobovian National Health Foundation. He says that a patient who twisted for approximately 60 hours rid themselves of any previous virus symptoms.

Dr. Krappski noted the dance must be done to the original version of the Twist, by Hank Ballard and The Midnighters. In clinical trials, the more popular version by Chubby Checker did not seem to produce the same results. In fact, some patients who danced to the Checker Twist complained of having onsets of Liver Chafing.

The doctor also warned that participants must dance six feet apart until they are cured.

In addition, Dr. Krappski, along with Dr.Vilma Schmellesbadde of the SBA (Slobovian Boogaloo Association), report that many a sixties dance craze can cure common human ailments. Specifically, they produced this list of dances and the diseases that they can cure:

  • The Locomotion: Obesity
  • The Watusi: Diabetes
  • The Boogaloo: AIDS
  • The Frug: Psoriasis
  • The Monkey: Strep Throat
  • The Pony: Arthritis
  • The Hitch Hiker: Acne
  • The Fly: High blood pressure
  • The Camel Walk: Ingrown toenail
  • The Wobble: Jock itch
  • The Humpback: VD
  • The Dog: Constipation
  • The Harlem Shuffle: Scabies
  • The Mashed Potatoes: Dandruff
  • The Swim: Toothache
  • The Hully Gully: Nearsightedness
  • The Jerk: Common headache
  • The Monster Mash: Migraine headache
  • The Madison: Diverticulitis
  • The James Brown: Bipolar Disorder

Dr. Krappski also said that watching reruns of American Bandstand eases dementia.

Ted Holland