[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Waldo Hunter Successful After 33 Years

After an exhaustive 33 year search, social distancing has helped Waldo hunter Jason Thromb finally realize his dream.

If anything good can possibly result from the Coronavirus pandemic currently holding the nation and world hostage, it has helped one man realize a lifelong dream. After an exhaustive 33 year search, social distancing has helped Waldo hunter Jason Thromb finally realize his dream.

Waldo hunter“I try a different book every day,” the 52-year-old unemployed French fry chef in a MAGA hat said from the basement of his parents’ home in Creighton, Kentucky. “I’ve been through all of them a million times. Then yesterday I opened up my Where’s Waldo NOW, for the ten-millionth time, and BAM! I had seen that picture a gazillion times, then all of a sudden there he was, plain as day right there in ‘Waldo Goes Downtown!’ It was like a miracle!”

“I even found the naked lady once,” he continued, referring to the famous topless sunbather in the 1987 edition that got the book banned by a school library on Long Island. “But I was beginning to think Waldo was just made up by the liberals, like the Crayolavirus, except that my mom has found him in almost every single picture ever. So I just kept looking.”

The popular series of children’s puzzle books was created by British illustrator Martin Handford in the late 1980’s. The books consist of a series of detailed double-page illustrations depicting dozens or sometimes hundreds of densely crowded people interacting in a given setting. Readers are challenged to find a character named Waldo, identified by his characteristic red-striped shirt and red and white knit cap, hidden in the group.

The fact that the series has never been published in China or Russia is evidence to many in the Trump Administration that the books are a Sino-Russian conspiracy to send subliminal signals to our nation’s youth, possibly for recruiting purposes.

Waldo hunter“The problem,” Mr. Thromb went on to explain, “is that they put in other things with red stripes to fool you, so you really have to be on your toes. There are a lot of fake Waldos out there. I heard that on the radio and it’s true.”

The self-styled “King of Wally Watchers” went on to explain his ultimate success as a result of social distancing. “Really it’s easier now because all of the people in the pictures have to stay six feet apart because of the bat cooties that are going around, which are fake, most people don’t know that. They were made up by the liberal conspiracy. But at least I found him. Finally!”

Mr. Thromb said he has written President Trump asking him to lift social distancing restrictions so he can take the picture, with Waldo circled, to his local bank to be notarized to prove he found him, believing the president’s persistent claims to have such authority. He also asked the president to issue an executive order declaring him “The Official Waldo King of the World.”

President Trump tweeted later in the day, “My 96% approval rating is protecting Americans from Sleepy Joe Biden’s fake CHINESE Waldos!”




David Suter