[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Next Global Pandemic Already Predicted

The Slobovian Secret Service say they have uncovered the “next global pandemic.”

Part of the "Dispatches from SNN" series (Slobovian News Network).
global pandemic
Magnified microscopic image of the next global pandemic virus, “Crapella.”

The predictive Analytic and Anosognosic Department of the Slobovian Secret Service has unearthed a virus that they predict will become the next global pandemic.

After consulting with Dr. Buncha Krappski of the Slobovian National Health Foundation to validate the findings, the SSS released a statement that the new found virus dubbed the “Crapella Virus” could spread worldwide by mid-2021.

The spread of the virus among humans will be fostered by people being over-exposed to bullshit. Since there is no cure for bullshit, there will be no cure for the novel Crapella Virus. Dr. Krappski said that the only way to avoid the pandemic will be proactive social distancing.

All humans should adhere to a social distance of 600 feet (not a typo) from the following bullshit purveyors:

  • Politicians
  • Lawyers
  • TV newscasters and weathermen
  • Used car salesmen
  • Pro wrestlers
  • Rappers
  • Soccer announcers
  • TV preachers
  • Krapbongists (Slobovia only)
Ted Holland

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