[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Replacing Police: Private Violence Interruption Firm Hires Godzilla

With major cities defunding police departments, some plan to turn to specialists in pacifying violence, like Godzilla.

Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)
Godzilla
Godzilla commutes to new job.

With major American cities like Minneapolis, Chicago and Atlanta on the verge of defunding and eliminating police departments because they are too violent, these cities plan to turn to private organizations who specialize in violence interruption.

Unlike policemen who would arrest violence purveyors, violence interrupters will kindly ask offenders to calmly put down their Uzis and have a cappuccino together.

With this in mind, legendary Slobovian general and war hero Y’Gotta B Schittemy has relocated to the United States and established a violence interruption firm. Among the first violence interruption agents that he hired was the famed Japanese movie monster Godzilla, who had recently retired from his illustrious movie career.

At a recent news conference, General Schittemy stated, “Mr. Godzilla is the perfect self-contained violence interruption entity. He can be kind and gentle, but he can also protect himself.”

General Schittemy stated that he is in negotiations with other Japanese film monsters such as Rodan, Mothra, Ghidrah and The Flying Yingyang twins.

He has also hired agents from organizations like The Dirty Dozen, Delta Force, Force 10 from Navarrone and The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

In a recent incident in which Godzilla attempted a violence interruption procedure at a gun battle between two rival Chicago gangs, Godzilla evidently became agitated at being shot at, so he burned down a parking garage, stepped on an apartment complex, picked up 34 automobiles and hurled them and also ate a convenience store. The gun battle was successfully halted.

General Y’Ghotta B. Schittemy is best remembered as the hero of the 23rd Slobovian Civil War, when he single-handedly defended a fortress containing 8 million rolls of toilet paper and the complete reruns of My Mother the Car.

Ted Holland

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