[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Washington Nationals Sign Fauci

After the famed immunologist threw the first pitch in their home opener, the Washington Nationals had to sign him.

The Washington Nationals stunned the baseball world today when they signed Dr. Anthony Fauci to a one-year contract. The National’s manager, Dave Martinez, said that he saw the famed immunologist throw the first pitch at their home opener against the New York Yankees and he knew immediately that he had to sign him.

Washington Nationals Fauci pitchMartinez explained that he had never seen such a wicked curve ball. “It curved so much it almost ended up on first base,” he said. “No one could have hit that pitch. Babe Ruth couldn’t have hit it even with a 10-foot pole.” Martinez said he was also surprised at the velocity of the curve ball which he said was clocked at almost 25 miles an hour. The coach did, however, admit that the ball was a little low and outside and that Fauci would need to work on his control, but he didn’t see a problem in the long run.

The move was surprising for several reasons. For one, Dr Fauci hasn’t participated in the sport since he played for his Catholic Youth Organization Team, the St. Bernadette Grasshoppers and back then he was a shortstop, not a pitcher.

Also, there is the question of his age. At age 79 he will be as old as the average player’s grandfather. But Coach Martinez said that age wouldn’t be an issue as Fauci would be used as a late inning relief pitcher who would only come out of the bullpen for an inning or two.

It was clear that the Nationals needed to upgrade their bullpen in 2020 but the addition of Fauci was surprising since the team had already added two of the top six free agent relievers in the off season.
Some questioned if the doctor would have the time to pitch for the baseball team since he was already playing for the Trump Administration Coronavirus Task Force Team, but recently it had become clear that Fauci had been relegated to sitting on the Trump team’s bench and would likely be getting cut soon.

Others wondered if the mild mannered doctor would balk at playing for such a volatile coach as Martinez. The Washington manager was thrown out of Game 6 of the 2019 World Series for arguing a questionable interference call. He had become so livid over the call that he had to be held back by assistant coaches. But Fauci said that Martinez would be a barrel of laughs compared to Trump. Fauci went on to say that he thought that he would be an excellent reliever as no one is more relieved to leave The Trump Coronavirus Task Force than him.

Yankee Manager Aaron Boone, who also saw Fauci’s pitch expressed disappointment that the Yankees hadn’t thought to sign him.

White House coronavirus task force coordinator Dr. Deborah Birx privately told a group of state and local health officials on Friday that she was hoping to throw out the first pitch in the National’s next home game.

Latest posts by JC Wade (see all)