[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Jihad So Noughties??? Fox News Says NEW Anti-Christian Extremist Cult Spells the END of America!

Sean Hannity on Fox News, explains why a new anti-Christian extremist cult will destroy America as he knows it.

Self-appointed True News guru and cash-addled global super-warmer Sean Hannity is warning the world of an unprecedented threat from an extremist cult full of religious fanatics that (at least from all that we can gather from the right wing of the Fake News Industrial Complex) might just bring about the very end of civilization itself!

OK, so the karma is real. For DECADES, we’ve been warning you about a million and one existential threats to America, but did you listen? Well did you HECK!

Sean Hannity extremist cultDon’t say we didn’t warn you. Now I don’t know if any of you brainwashed Blue State sheeple out there remember Samuel Huntingdon and the Clash of Civilizations, but guess what? Never mind the Islamic State, the crazy Ayatollahs and the Taliban…

Well that’s old news, and under the Real America-styled, Fox News-Appointed Greatest Christian Leader of the Most Tremendous Christian Nation on Earth, POTUS Donald J. Trump, radical Islamic terrorism has already been annihilated forever! But now we’ve got an even MORE radical and more existential threat (ever notice how every single time we update you, the bad guys are even scarier?)

Well, sit back, but maybe take the time and… Well, just don’t you relax a little. TOO MUCH!

… Oh wait, what am I saying? OK, now brace yourselves, cos shit is about to get heavy. Heavier than you or I could ever possibly know! But there is hope. Just make sure you stay awake (I think that’s what they call it, right?) and you don’t let yourself get out of the loop.

And please remember to call our toll free tithing number: maybe God wants you to give us a hundred dollars. Maybe 200 dollars. Any advance on 200? Do we hear 500 at the back? Oh wait, somebody’s saying $10 million! If we’re getting the same vibe from the man upstairs, then you know what to do!

… Anyhow.

The greatest dangers in our world today are liberals: you know, those greedy, entitled, special interests loving, rent seeking, corporate fat cats who are infesting our public square, including a great deal of the corrupt and dishonest media of today, or as so many people nowadays like to call it: The FAKE NEWS. K?

And what’s the other one: oh yes, radical religious extremists who want to change our way of life forever!

Oh and by the way: what if I told you we were about to be overrun by the two greatest evils in the entire history of the world coalescing into one? What if I told you there was a name for this unspeakable evil?

Well, Supreme Evil walks among us, and her name is HILLARY! Oh wait, that’s old news! It’s AOC… Oh er no, what am I thinking! Never mind that, do you know the absolutely most current, up to date, never-before-seen-or-heard-about threat facing America? Well, it’s called BUDDHISM.

Liberalism and dangerous death cultists! It just doesn’t get any more terrifying than that, right?!

Well get a load of this. We’re going to start by looking at the utter contempt the Buddhist community have for all living things on earth. By aggressively promoting their radical liberal vegetarian and militant vegan Marxist nonsense, they have just declared a holy war, a LITERAL JIHAD, on our entire livestock industry! This is a form of economic aggression that even Red China never imagined in their darkest, most abominable nightmares!

And it just doesn’t end there. Buddhists are not only waging economic warfare on America, but also a literal HOLY WAR in the most LITERAL sense possible! By claiming that people should only resort to war as a last resort, the Buddhist Community, quite possibly the most dangerous fifth column in our entire history of America (at least until the next one comes along, but we gotta run with this one for now anyhow! Pretty sure the next one will be much, MUCH worse! Stay tuned!!!!), well…

These dangerous, drug-addled religious fanatics, worse than ISIS, Iran and Westboro Baptist Church combined (although personally I have a bit of a soft spot for the last one of these, but we’d better not go there! Shhhh! Calm down, liberals!), are trying to open the back door to puny, insignificant, socialist statelets like Finland and Norway and New Zealand just marching into America without opposition and turning the snowmen purple!

Would you ever eat purple snow? No? Not even if the Fake News CNN told you? Well good, that’s what I like to hear! Me neither! So at least we agree on something…

Well actually we agree on quite a lot though, wouldn’t you say! And why not then, after all… We all gotta pay the bills somehow!

(Er, ignore that one and forget this little slip, just like you did all the other ones this, well, whatever interminably exciting and disorientating length of time. I don’t do this very often, so we can look past the original ‘soft bit loud’ now, can’t we? We all bleed the same red white and blue now, don’t we? Well, apart from the liberals and religious extremists, of course!)

Oh! And don’t even get me started on their pathetic nonsense about ‘unbridled greed,’ ‘ecocide’ (what’s so big about an ‘environment,’ anyhow? Are they seriously telling us killing an environment is somehow even REMOTELY morally analogous to killing a real human being, of flesh and blood? Give up, liberals! The jig is up! Everybody can see what your dumb priorities are!)

Oh and why are they all such hypocrites? Why does the Dalai Lama sit in a massive palace, with all that gold and silver, while the laypeople are starving? Does that sound like anything a real religion would do? Sounds to me like Buddhists are secretly running some kind of dishonest money-making scam!

I mean, maybe way, way back in the past, there was an actual real Buddhism that didn’t get too big and lucrative, to the point it became morally compromised and a victim of its own success.

But if it actually exists, then I guess it’s probably among the brainwashed, ignorant who probably aren’t watching this show anyway; rather than the elites, whose radically corrupted and degraded version of the religion, say what you like, at least has a great deal more power and influence in the world…

And hell, I actually kinda have a bit of begrudging respect for that! We all gotta pay the bills somehow!

Oh, but don’t you worry. I don’t mean to idealize the corruption of religion one bit, or to in any way rationalize the character of any specific faith being lowered into the bottomless sewer of the love of money, the root of all evil, and the unprincipled, unbridled pursuit of filthy lucre.

And on that basically irrelevant and uncharacteristically inconsequential note, join Tucker Carlson later tonight, where Paula White-Cain and Pastor Pat Robertson are going to be educating us (some more than others!) about God’s very special promise to us of unlimited prosperity, material and otherwise (but most DEFINITELY material!!!!!!!)

Well, provided we only respect and obey his word, by honoring his most humble servants and ensuring the workman is worthy of his hire, and the muzzled ox is fed while he treads the corn.

Anyhow, the basic point is, garbage political ideologies and morally debased religious extremism both pose an equally dire threat to our society, and if you want to make sure we still have a country by, I don’t know, 2020 or 2021, then promise us you don’t drink the Kool Aid! Promise America! I mean hell, best of all, probably just promise yourself!  Guess that’ll do… WON’T IT!

Originally published on Glossy News Satire.

Jonathan Ferguson