The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Dr. Doolittle and Sarah Palin

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews veterinarian Dr. Doolittle and his sister Sarah Palin.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

Sarah Palin by DonkeyHotey and Dr. Doolittle
Sarah Palin, image by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. My guests today are veterinarian Dr. John Doolittle and his sister Sarah.

JERRY

What’s up, Doc? Are you really a descendant of the famous Dr. Doolittle?

DR. DOOLITTLE

I am. Have so many animals in my house that I’m running out of room.

SARAH PALIN

Ya. I have to sleep on the floor. It sucks!

JERRY

Are you Sarah Palin?

PALIN

You betcha. My maiden name was Doolittle. I can talk to the animals.

JERRY

That’s because humans can’t understand you.

PALIN

Why? Just because I brought a spoon to the Super Bowl?

JERRY

Sarah. Which football player wears the biggest helmet?

PALIN

Is this a gotcha question?

JERRY

No.

PALIN

Okay. The one with the biggest head.

JERRY

(game show voice)

Is that your final answer?

PALIN

Ya.

JERRY

I’m sorry, Sarah. That is incorrect. But we have a going way prize. Two tickets to see the classic Marx Brothers movie Horse Feathers.

PALIN

I didn’t know those hoofers could fly.

JERRY

Hey, Doc. I understand you have some interesting animals on your property.

JOHN

For sure. There’s a rare Betsy DeVos dodo bird. A southern mud turtle species called Mitch McConnell and a Bill Barr Grizzly Bear.

JERRY

What are the characteristics of a DeVos dodo?

JOHN

No education degree. No teaching experience. No experience working in a school environment. Never attended a public school or state university. Doesn’t care about anyone except herself.

PALIN

Oh, ya. But my favorite is the Mitch McConnell turtle. He’s so ugly, I think he’s cute.

JERRY

You’re delusional. Here’s the report card on Moscow Mitch. He creates tax shelters for the rich. Takes away health care from the middle class and poor. Gives tax incentives to foreign companies to invest in American businesses. In fact, there are more Russians running around Kentucky than in Moscow. And he eats pond scum and bugs.

PALIN

Mitch is the gravedigger of American democracy. Oops.

JOHN

My least favorite pet is the Bill Barr Grizzly bear.

JERRY

Why?

JOHN

I’ll tell you why. Because he’s a mischievous brat.

PALIN

Ya. But Bill can catch fish without a fishing rod.

JOHN

Let me finish, Blunder Woman. He undermines the security of my practice. Causes riots among the animals. Especially my two Chinese Panda Bears and Russian Wolfhound. He eats most of the food around here including the garbage. Barr is so fat that when he fell out of the tree last week, no one was laughing.

PALIN

But the ground was cracking up.

JERRY

John. I understand your veterinary clinic in England went broke. That you wanted to give up on helping animals.

JOHN

I was depressed and had no direction. Then one day I was staring at a picture of a monkey.

PALIN

He fell in love.

JERRY

With a monkey?

JOHN

No. The monkey colony in Africa. There was a a raging pandemic and these beautiful creatures were sick and dying. It was so bad that when a banana saw a monkey, the banana split. I helped the monkeys recover.

PALIN

I didn’t want any part of it. No one was going to make a monkey out of me.

JERRY

You already made a fool of yourself. You had nothing to lose.

JOHN

On my way home to England, our ship was attacked by pirates. We overpowered the bastards and captured their booty. I became a rich man.

PALIN

And now I have my own room. My horse is very happy, because she lives in a stable environment.

JERRY

Sarah. Why did the lion break up with his girlfriend?

PALIN

Geez. That’s a tough one.

JERRY

Because she was a cheetah. See you tomorrow everyone.

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