Note: The following article has been rated R. Readers under 17 should only read when accompanied by a parent or guardian. It is rated R for an incongruent story line, some disturbing silliness, and a frightening lack of humor.
As expected, President Trump pardoned Paul Manafort and Roger Stone in December. But reporters were shocked last week when the president announced that he had also pardoned the alleged Russian spy Boris Badenov. Mr. Badenov had been serving time in a Pottsylvania Federal prison after being convicted of conspiracy to murder Rocky J. Squirrel and Bullwinkle J. Moose.
Trump announced that the allegations against Badenov were a Russian hoax and it was nothing more than a witch hunt and “no one knows more about witch hunts than me. That I can tell you.”
The president stated that he had the power to pardon Russian spies under Section 2, Clause 1 of the Gettysburg Address. A pardon is like a get out of jail free card, he explained.
Mr. Badenov was convicted in 2018 after his partner, Natasha Fatale, turned state’s evidence and testified that Badenov had stated on many occasions that “of course he had plan to kill Moose and Squirrel. I always have plan.” She then explained that the plans never worked but he always had plan. The American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (ASPCA) submitted an amicus curiae brief supporting the state’s case.
Trump defended the pardon saying that he had spoken to Central Control’s Fearless Leader, also known as Mr. Big, who claimed that Badenov and his partner, Ms. Fatale didn’t plan to kill Moose and Squirrel and that they also didn’t interfere with the 2016 presidential election. Trump said that he didn’t know why they would conspire to kill the wacky and deranged Squirrel or the low IQ Moose. He also noted that Mr. Big was extremely strong and powerful in defending the Russian spies.
President Trump said he was happy to pardon Boris Badenov as he believed that Badenov had always tried to Be Best and that he considered Boris to be one of the world’s greatest BeBestniks. He then said that “Boris is somebody that I’ve always liked, but a lot of people like Boris, some people probably don’t like Boris, but Boris is somebody that I’ve always liked.”
Later, when asked about his second impeachment by the House of Representatives, the president said that “this one and the other one, are really just a continuation of the greatest witch hunt in history. And we must stop the brutish practice of hunting witches in this country.” He then stunned reporters by saying that he was also pardoning the famous Eastern witch Almira Gulch who he claimed was wrongly convicted in the kidnapping of the dog Toto. Trump had invited Ms. Gulch to the pardoning ceremony, but she was unable to attend due to her untimely death after someone dropped a house on her.
Trump also announced that he was issuing a pardon for Almira’s sister who lived out West. “She didn’t even get a trial” he shouted. “She was killed like a dog by that Goody Ruby Two Shoes, Dorothy and her accomplices, the low IQ Scarecrow, Cryin’ Tin Man and Mr. Tough Guy, the Cowardly Lion. They liquidated her, which I think is a version of waterboarding.” He also declared that he would be pardoning Witch Hazel whom he thought was being held on a number of alcohol related charges.
But he was emphatic that he would not pardon the Northern witch, Glinda, even though she was one of the hottest witches he knew. Based on DNA evidence from the crime scene, authorities had charged the Northern witch with Home-icide in the death of Almira Gulch. Glinda was also accused of embezzling funds from the Lullaby League and the Lollypop Guild. “She isn’t a good witch. A lot of people tell me she’s a horrible witch and I agree. I told her I wanted to stay in the White House for another 4 years. Glinda told me that I had the power to stay all along so I took her advice and clicked my heels together and chanted:
There’s no place like the White House,
There’s no place like the White House.
But it didn’t work. They’re still kicking me out. The Witch of the North was wrong. I didn’t have the power. The voters did.”
And finally, President Trump said that there would be another double secret pardon coming soon and it will be a beautiful thing. We can only wonder.