[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

The Great Luigi’s Top Predictions for 2021

Famed astrologer releases his top predictions for 2021.

Famed astrologer and soothsayer Luigi Bordeaux, professionally known as the Great Luigi, has just released his annual list of top predictions for 2021.

top predictions“I would have done it sooner,” he explained, “but I couldn’t find my magic 8 ball. Besides, I really didn’t expect too much to be going on in the first couple of months of the year. But then, all of a sudden– insurrection, impeachment, Kim and Kayne marriage problems… I mean, who’d have thunk it?!”

The clairvoyant, best known for predicting the Harlem Shake back in 2012, gives his top predictions for 2021 below:

The Church of Trump

Disillusioned by politics and intrigued by the tax-exempt status enjoyed by churches, Donald Trump decides to establish his own religion. The result is Confusionism, which preaches the power of positively not thinking and believes in the concept that ignorance is bliss. Needless to say, Trump himself is the first one to achieve Nirvana.

Giuliani shunned

Rudy Giuliani, disgraced and shunned, becomes so desperate for legal work that he finally decides to change his identity and disguises himself as a woman. Surprisingly, he then enjoys amazing success in the courtroom until one fateful day when his falsies get tangled up in his briefs.  A hit movie starring Dustin Hoffman is later made about the incident, called “Putzy.”

Ozzy Osbourne cures COVID-19

It is discovered that Ozzy Osbourne is totally unaffected by COVID-19. This is due to the fact that he bit off so many bat heads back in the eighties that he developed a complete immunity to the illness. Scientists develop a vaccine from his blood which proves to be 100 percent effective against all strains of the coronavirus. The only unfortunate side-effect of the drug is an irresistible urge to strip naked and urinate in someone else’s drink.

Other predictions

Bigfoot is captured and signs a multi-million dollar deal with Nike. He later appears on “The Bachelorette” and “Dancing with the Stars”, but enjoys his greatest success as a contestant on “Name that Tune.”

A devastating earthquake erupts along the San Andreas fault line, but instead of California falling into the Pacific Ocean, the rest of the country falls into the Atlantic.

Marjorie Taylor Greene is abducted by space aliens, who shortly thereafter throw her back.

Ralph Lombard
Latest posts by Ralph Lombard (see all)