Trump Appointees Now Job Hunting: Read Their Resumes

Exclusive! Snippets from the resumes of job hunting Trump associates.

Now that Trump has lost the presidency, all of his closest appointees and associates will be job hunting. This reporter has seen the resumes that these individuals are sending out. Below are a few entries from those documents, describing their most salable qualities.

Barr job huntingWilliam Barr:

Loyalty: Will support and defend my superiors in all situations without the interference of ethics or integrity

Legal Expertise: Experience in numerous ways of subverting the law and Constitution

Obfuscation Expertise: Can obfuscate and misinterpret the content of any report or document

Stephen Miller:

Sadism: Capable of devising multiple methods of pain and injury in service of your goals

Developmental Expertise Specializes in the damaging of children

Immigration Expertise: Specializes in methods of subverting asylum laws

Chastity: Was able to remain a virgin for years without a vow of chastity

Able to deal with any situation without restraints as conscience was surgically removed.

Rudy Giuliani:

Entertaining: Biggest clown in any courtroom

Creative: Can concoct theories and new ”facts” as needed

Public Relations Expertise: Will keep you in the forefront with the media

Roger Stone:

Persuasive: Can persuade any witness to withdraw a complaint made against you

Clean: Especially good at laundering money

William Barr and Stephen Miller have also teamed up to provide security for high profile individuals. The ad reads: Security Dream Team: Scarier looking than any guard dog.

Diane de Anda