Visitors from Outer Space?

Humor Times investigates: Are UFOs really visitors from outer space?

Warning: This article is rated R for atrocious writing and offensive and insensitive stereotyping of space aliens and visitors from outer space. Reader discretion is advised.

visitors from outer space
Cartoon by Walt Handelsman, as seen in the Humor Times monthly magazine.

Later this month the U.S. government will be issuing a report on UFOs which sources say will conclude that there is no clear-cut evidence that unidentified flying objects are or aren’t from another world.

However, I think our government knows that the UFOs are visitors from outer space. They just don’t want to acknowledge it until they know specifically where they are from and whether or not they are a threat. Since Mars and Venus are the two planets closest to Earth, It’s a pretty good bet that the space aliens are from one of these planets.

I felt it was important to understand which celestial body they hailed from as the inhabitants of these two planets would probably be quite different. I wanted to be prepared in case I was abducted by one. To obtain some insight into what the aliens would be like and what to expect if I encountered one, I contacted the renowned alientologist, Dr. John Gray. Dr. Gray is an expert on creatures from Mars and Venus having written extensively on the subject. He agreed that the aliens were no doubt from one of these neighboring worlds.

Here is a transcript of our conversation:

Me: Dr. Gray, if I should meet one of the alien life forms, how will I know if it is from Mars or from Venus?

Gray: Physically they are quite different although in their spacesuits you won’t notice except the Venusians will be better accessorized.

Me: Are there other differences?

Gray: Yes, besides their physical characteristics they think differently. Martians tend to be more logical, analytical and rational while Venusians are more intuitive, holistic and creative. But contrary to the opinion of some, beings from Venus are just as smart as Martians, even in the S.T.E.M. subjects.

Me: How will we communicate with them?

Gray: Both groups know all of the primitive Earthling languages except Dutch. But they are likely to use words in ways that create a meaning that seems to have an opposite connotation. This is especially true with the Venusians because Venus rotates in the opposite direction than Earth which makes every day opposite day. So, when a Venusian life form says:

• “Fine” it means anything but fine, and
• “I’m almost ready” means I’ll be ready in an hour or two, whereas
• “You don’t have to” means you’d better.

Another problem with communicating with a visitor from Venus is that they talk and talk and talk which may explain why there is so little oxygen left on the planet. And unfortunately, they often want to talk about their feelings.

Me: What about communicating with Martians?

Gray: It’s not easy to interact with them either because they don’t talk much. And when they do talk, they tend to be condescending or patronizing which the Venusians call Mars-plaining. Often they don’t really speak instead they just grunt and groan. And you get the impression that they have limited hearing when in fact they just aren’t listening.

Besides the different communication styles, you can recognize Martians by the fact that they are usually scratching and spitting, something a Venusian would never do.

Me: Why do you think they have come to Earth?

Gray: I’m not sure. But if they are Venusians, it may be because of the lack of oxygen on their planet as noted above. Also, Venus is 876 degrees. Now that Earth is approaching that temperature due to climate change (at least in St. Louis in August), our planet may seem more hospitable to them. My guess is Martians would be coming to take advantage of the warmer temperatures compared to Mars, like the way Canadians flock to Florida in the winter.

Me: Do you think they mean us harm?

Gray: Well, they may not be as polite as Canadians, but I don’t think the Martians would travel millions of miles just to come down here and start a fight. Get all rowdy with us. And Venus was named after the Roman goddess of love and beauty, so I doubt its inhabitants are war like. But we should treat them with respect. As everyone in the galaxy knows, “hell has no fury like a Venusian scorned.”

Me: I wonder if these aliens are already living among us. Many of the people I meet have characteristics similar to how you describe Martians while others are like the aliens from Venus. It seems like half of us are from Mars and half of us are from Venus.

Gray: I’ve noticed that too.

So, there you have it. The UFOs are undoubtedly from Mars or Venus (or both) and in many ways, these aliens won’t be that much different from us.

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