[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Ancient Magic Spell Key to Stopping Unwanted Robocalls

An ancient Goozokooyan magic spell has been revealed as the key to stopping unwanted robocalls forever.

Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

SNN resident witch doctor and Goozokoo-ologist Dr. Sweet Mama Doorite has revealed that the secret to stopping the millions of unwanted robocalls that modern Americans have dumped on them daily is the ancient Goozokooyan reverse magic spell known as GWAMPO.

unwanted robocalls - Photo by Martin Walls
Photo by Martin Walls from FreeImages.

Dr. Doorite recently stated that, “The use of Goozokoo and Gwampo has been in existence since the dawn of time, though not well publicized. While the Incas and the Mayans were overrun and destroyed by Spanish explorers in the 1500’s, the use of Goozokoo prevented the Spaniards from destroying southwestern Indian tribes such as the Comanches and the Apaches.”

Dr. Doorite said that everyday people can use the reverse spell Gwampo to permanently stop unwanted robocalls. She explained the procedure as follows: When the phone rings and you’re sure it’s a robocall, answer by saying “Gwampo”… say only “Gwampo”… if you say it 3 times, the caller will simply hang up. If you say ”Gwampo” 7 times the apparatus on the other end of the line will burst into flames. If you can say ”Gwampo” 17 times, the person at the other end will be transformed into a goose and will never bother you again. She also stated that to her knowledge, the use of Gwampo is not illegal in America.

Dr. Doorite also revealed six other unknown facts about Goozokoo throughout History:

1. In the Garden of Eden, Goozokoo told the snake to tell Eve about that forbidden fruit thang.

2. Goozokoo played bass guitar while Roman emperor Nero fiddled as Rome burned.

3. Jesus knew goozokooya.

4. The world really was flat until Goozokoo.

5. General Custer refused Goozokoo the night before the Battle of Little Big Horn.

6. Donald Trump is not Goozokoo.

Dr. Sweet Mama Doorite’s new book Great Expectorations — The Illustrated History of Spit is now for sale. The first 100 buyers get a free gift of a “digital spittoon.”

Ted Holland