[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Church Leader Explains American Violence, Offers Remedy

Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

Slobovian “Defecationist” says he has the answer to stemming American violence: “bowel purging.”

American Violence cured by defecating
In Slobovia, this would be a temple, and could be a cure for American violence. Photo: Kencf0618, CC BY-SA 3.0.

The Right Reverend Bishop Doctor Ubiquitus Gavasconious Reachbakke of the New Defecationist Temple of North Philadelphia explains that, “American violence is out of hand and they kill each other at such an alarming rate because their bowels are full of sin… Slobovians don’t kill each other because their bowels are pure as the driven snow.”

“Americans must purify themselves by shunning their Lutheran, Baptist, Methodist, Presbyterian, Zion and Catholic religions and become devout Defecationists,” he stated.

Slobovia is the only country where Defecationalism is the state religion. The basis of the faith is that early Slobovians believe that mankind came from the ass of the great God King Feces. ”From Schitte we came and to Schitte we shall return,” was the teaching of early organizers.

Bowel purging (commonly known in America as taking a shit), is the basic Defecationist religious ceremony. Very devout Defecationists purge up to 25 times a day.

In Slobovia, Public Schitte-ins are akin to revivals in other religions.

“Imagine 100 million Americans all Schitteing in unison… that would stop America’s killings.”

Bishop Reachbakke stated that he plans to open temples in every American city and town to lead Americans in beating their guns into commodes.

Ted Holland