[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Pigeons Talk Shit

A zoologist has deciphered what pigeons are saying, and it turns out a lot of their discussion is about targeting humans.

Have you ever wondered what pigeons looking down from lampposts are saying about us? Well, one scientist has deciphered their throaty babble, and it ain’t good.

pigeonsDr. C.B. Parker was nice enough to let me listen in with him, via hidden microphone, while he translated this pigeon-speak. Here is the transcript:

Pigeon 1: Jesus. What’s that one doin?

Pigeon 2: I think he’s lookin at his grass.

Pigeon 1: It’s been over an hour!

Pigeon 3: Can I shit on him?

P1: No. He’s depressing enough… Shit on the grass. Give him something new to  look at.

P3: Yepeeee!

P2: Tone it down a notch dude. You’re so needy.

P1: You are kinda needy bruh.

P2: God give me patience. Here come the power-walk twins.

P1: Do they not realize how ridiculous they look?

P2: Nope. And therein lies the tragedy.

P3: Can I shit on them?

P1: Yeaah. Go ahead, get it out of your system.

P2: I thought it was supposed to be December?

P1: It is kinda warm.

P2: I hear the geese keep getting confused about when to fly south.

P1: Yep. The old people too.

P3: Can I shit on them?

P1: Who? Geese or old people?

P3: Both I guess.

P2: Is that all you think about?

P3: Well…yeah.

P1: Alright, alright. Enough chatter. Time to fly around in circles and come back to
the same exact spot for no apparent reason.

P2: Don’t fly on top of me.

P3: I’m not. Geez… Hey? Is that commercial art?

This, Dr. Parker tells me, is only a small example of their daily communication. Pigeons are far more advanced than we thought, able to discuss political, scientific and religious ideologies at length. And of course, whether or not they should shit on them.

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