[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

DOJ to Investigate Investigations That Go Nowhere

Attorney General Merrick Garland pledges to get to the bottom of not getting to the bottom of all these investigations.

The Department of Justice announced today that they are starting yet another investigation, only this time, they’ll investigate their own shoddy investigations.

Merrick Garland investigate investigations
Merrick Garland shows his hands to Senator Klobuchar to prove he’s not sitting on them.

The DOJ says it wants answers as to why their authority seems to be so flimsy. First, they say, they will investigate “our own sorry asses,” and later they intend to look into various state investigations that never produce anything either.

This historic effort has been dubbed “Operation WTF,” and U.S. Attorney General Merrick Garland officially launched it in a press conference today.

“We finally realized that nothing we did ever seemed to amount to anything. Should President Biden have appointed someone with integrity, instead of a wishy-washy old centrist like me, who simply wants to avoid confrontation at any cost? We want answers!”

“Despite so many investigations into his actions, Donald Trump just keeps playing golf and spouting nonsense to adoring crowds at rallies around the country,” said Garland. “I don’t even know if I’ve acted on all the evidence the January 6 commission has uncovered yet, but I promise to look into it.”

Meanwhile, Trump’s henchmen and accomplices to insurrection continue to avoid toothless contempt charges, since they never have to spend any time in jail or pay any price for ignoring them. After all, as Steve Bannon said, “I can simply utter the magic incantation, ‘executive privilege,’ and walk off scot-free. Why should I appear?”

“It’s so great, only in America!” says Bannon, the only person actually indicted for Contempt of Congress so far. He remains free, however, along with all his insurrectionist pals, who are working to put safeguards in place to overturn future elections if Republicans should ever lose again. They are counting on an American public with a very short attention span to give them control of both houses of Congress again, so that they never have to face justice at all, and can proceed to quash all investigations into their actions for good.

Just in case, however, they are putting “their people” in charge of elections on the state level, to correct any “mistakes” made by the voters. And, just as with contempt charges, they don’t expect to face any consequences for rigging elections. After all, what’s a little authoritarian takeover of democracy, when inflation is so bad?

The Attorney General closed the press conference saying, “I promise, we’ll get to the bottom of all this not getting to the bottom of it stuff. Soon. Sometime in that ever-nebulous ‘near future,’ maybe after the midterms. Honest. Or, we might just quietly shelve it after a few months. Stay tuned!”

James Israel
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