[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

NYC to Become First City to Legalize Recreational Homicide

Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

Demand for “Recreational Homicide” licenses are expected to be quite high in New York, says Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg.

In an exclusive interview with SNN political editor Whattda Helle, Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg stated that beginning June 1,2022, recreational homicide will be legal in the city of New York.

Recreational Homicide
New York City, by Daniel Mennerich, flickr.com.

Mr. Bragg defined recreational homicide as a homicide committed while not in the perpetration of a crime.

For instance, if you kill a clerk while robbing a bodega, that is a classic homicide and will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. However, if you were to kill a guy who disrespected you in a club, that would be a case of recreational homicide and would not be prosecuted.

Donald Trump is expected to be among the first applicants, and has hinted that he would use it on 5th Avenue. “Who would I kill? Who knows,” said Trump, “but I know some very nasty prosecutors there. Very nasty.”

Mr. Bragg stated that killing a spouse or a college roommate would be downgraded to a C misdemeanor and would be punishable by a $250.00 fine and 10 hours of community service. Killing the cable guy would still be considered homicide.

Mr. Bragg, whose office no longer prosecutes turnstile jumpers, pickpockets and low level dope pushers, stated that of the 115 murders that NYC has experienced this year, 75 percent would be classified as recreational homicide under the new law.

If anyone plans to participate in the new program, they would need to get a Recreational Homicide license from the city for $37.95. A drive-by shooting license is $250.00.

It is rumored that cities such as Chicago, San Francisco and Los Angeles will institute their own Recreational Homicide statutes.

It is also rumored that New York Governor Kathy Hochul is beginning a process to legalize political bribery.

SNN Words to Live By

“Murder relieves tension.” — Devine, from the movie “Pink Flamingos”

“Any time a woman has loved and lost… it’s because she had an incompetent lawyer.” — Minnie Pearl, from the TV show “Hee Haw”

Ted Holland