[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Donald Trump suffering from ‘Ebola Animi,’ resulting in verbal diarrhea
NYC — Donald Trump was rushed to Bellevue hospital last night after repeatedly screaming “Zmpph! Obama! Aaargh!” and then exploding into a little green pool of his own excrement, bile and vomit. The millionaire playboy and famous idiot everyone loves to hate was reacting to the news that a New York physician had been diagnosed with Ebola and was under treatment.
ER doctors in double Hazmat suits later reported that Trump was suffering from a severe case of Ebola Animi (Intellectual Ebola). They have confined him to an isolation unit for the criminally insane where he is doing “as well as can be expected,” though still “mini-exploding” with outbursts of “You’re Fired!” “Incompoop!” and “Stop the flights!” The entire hospital is cooperating to put him into a medically induced coma just to shut him up.
Symptoms of Intellectual Ebola (I.E.) include a political erection lasting more than four hours, mental confusion, and of course, escalating verbal diarrhea. In serious cases, such as Trump’s, there are also Ugly Red Face Syndrome (URFS) and a complete loss of judgment followed by total unawareness of the degree to which you are making a bloody fool of yourself in public. This includes one’s relations with women, a symptom Trump manifests in, well, trumps.
Known to be contagious, Ebola Animi is incurable. It is caught through the eyes and ears after repeated exposure to right-wing paranoia rallies and Fox News. Thousands of people, including Glenn Beck, Michelle Bachman and Ted Nugent, are seriously infected.
Fevered bouts occur regularly but unpredictably. Researchers don’t fully understand what triggers them although some think it may include Motive, Means and Opportunity (MMO). Beck wants money (M) and has his subscription TV show (MO). Bachman wants money (M) and uses Congress to get them (MO). Nugent is a racist moron who doesn’t seem to know what he wants except attention.
Trump’s MMOs include a desperate need to prove himself, his so-called Beaucoup Bucks Syndrome (a congenital condition inherited from his father), and a voracious media with unlimited space and time to fill in between ads. Trump’s particular illness is complicated of course by high levels of misplaced ambition, greed, lusfulness and modernized versions of the other Seven Deadly Sins.
Trump’s pathology seems borne out by his recent medical history, including a doomed “Birtherism” campaign (“My agents have found something incredible in Hawaii but have to stay in Waikiki another few months just to make sure”) and his unbelievably stupid $5-million law suit against comedian Bill Maher who correctly, it now appears — how else explain the orange fur on Trump’s head? — identified him as the offspring of an orangutan.
Trump will be released from Bellevue tomorrow. But we can be sure he’ll be back.
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