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Christmas Letter

Nov 112014
 By , November 11, 2014

Warmest Season’s Greetings to All Our Dear Friends this Christmas:

This has been a wondrous year of change and growth for our family. Two months ago as Barbie, our eight year old, reached for the hair dryer while she was taking a bubble bath, there was a flash of light, and she began speaking in tongues. Although we cannot understand anything she says, we can tell by the look of joy glazed over her eyes that she is in a state of rapture.

christmasKenny has just graduated from graduate school with his MFA and has found a new and exciting career that allows him to integrate his graphic and theatre arts training. He is the founder of the Theatre of Living Body Art, an innovative form of wordless drama that is expressed through images tattooed on moving naked bodies. The only problem so far has been that after their last performance, they have run out of space for new material and are searching for new members to expand their troupe.

We are overjoyed to report that our teenager, Kaplan, has finally overcome the inertia caused by his low self-esteem and underachievement, and we have Rush Limbaugh to thank. After listening to a streaming podcast transmission of his program while trapped in an elevator with half a dozen men from a Minuteman regiment, Kaplan realized that neither mediocre intelligence nor truth and substance had to hold him back. With Uncle Rush as his new inspiration, he is preparing for his new vocation by taking hog calling lessons and even won third place at the regional finals. With this on his record, and as a legacy thanks to his grandfather, he is a shoo-in for admission to our community college.

Grama has a new calling, now that she has retired after 60 years in the sewing factory basement monogramming bowling shirts. She has a grocery shopping cart with a sign that reads The Urban Ecologist and goes around picking up litter during the day. She carries a plastic bat and hits or threatens anyone she sees littering. Since she’s just turned 90, everyone seems to be pretty good-natured about it, even when she’s pelting them. The only problem she has had is getting used to walking upright in the light of day.

Harley and I celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary 6 months ago and renewed our wedding vows. Next, we took a bold step and went to see a marriage counselor to find out how we could insure that we would have another glorious 25 years and celebrate our Golden Anniversary. The counselor suggested that we needed to shake up our lives and bring something new and exciting into our marriage, particularly in the bedroom. We have since joined a local swingers group and want to extend a warm invitation to all our friends.

We wish you a year filled with as much unexpected joy as our family has been blessed to experience.

(Written with no relation to the truth by Diane de Anda.)

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Diane de Anda

Diane de Anda is a third generation Latina and retired UCLA professor. Tired of cranking out technical articles in a "publish or perish" atmosphere, she now spends most of her time writing adult fiction, children's books, parody, and satire. Her weapon of choice is the limerick, aimed with humor and a touch of malice at society's icons, celebrities, politicians, and other irritating folk.

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