CAC banner ad
Humor Times subscribe
WET River Trips

[Disclaimer: This article is a "fake news" piece. Proceed at your own risk!]

Democrats Experience Shock Withdrawal as Soliciting Emails Dry Up

Nov 112014
 
 By , November 11, 2014

‘Lonely Little Petunia’ syndrome spreading faster than Ebola for Democrats

DES MOINES, IOWA — Democratic voters throughout America were in deep shock this morning when President Barack Obama did not write to them asking for money.

Democrats Soliciting EmailsEven worse, there were no email solicitations from Nancy Pelosi, Bill Clinton, nor any of their local candidates for Governor, state Senator, etc.

Disturbed Democrats and even some Independents were observed displaying symptoms of acute withdrawal, including twitches, sniffles and having trouble reaching for their wallets.

“Now that they’ve all stopped writing I feel so used,” said Ed “Grumpy Gus” Gillespie of Des Moines, Iowa. “Not even Barbra Streisand writes any more, and she’ll sign anything.”

Gillespie added: “Before November 5 they just couldn’t get enough of me. I was like the last rose of summer. Now I’m just a lonely little petunia in an onion patch. All I do is cry all day.”

Gillespie explained that for the past several months, “and maybe even for a year,” morning emails from Democrats had regularly “shocked him into consciousness” with frightening subject lines addressed to him personally. They got scarier as the election approached.

“Like ‘ED GILLESPIE! DISASTER IS ABOUT TO STRIKE!’” he said. “And ‘ED GILLESPIE! CAN YOU CHIP IN $5.00 OR MORE?’

“Even The Daily KOS got into the act, putting my name into its actual headlines! ‘Ed Gillespie, if you can’t chip in $5.00 or more, can you make phone calls?’ Within no time I’d be groping for my debit card or choking on my coffee over another GOP atrocity.”

Gillespie continued: “When you’re terrified first thing, you sure get going fast. God, I miss that. How am I supposed to wake up in the morning now?”

This reporter assured Mr. Gillespie that things would soon be back to normal. “The 2016 presidential campaign is already under way,” I told him. “They’ll be back to scaring up the big bucks in no time at all.”

“Thank God,” Gillespie said. “I tried worrying about Ebola and ISIS, but I’m just not a Republican.”

The following two tabs change content below.
avatar
Michael was born in South Africa at the height of the apartheid era He quickly became involved in the underground resistance movement, knew Nelson Mandela and other prominent revolutionaries, some of whom later moved into privileged positions formerly occupied by whites. After several exciting escapes, he was forced to flee the country in disguise. He successfully made his way to the UK and gained his PhD at Cambridge on a university scholarship, He then pursued the dual career of college professor and social revolutionary, provoking academic and political mayhem wherever he went. Having thus failed miserably at both politics and education, he now cynically rails like Diogenes at the foibles of mankind in bitter satires and faintly subtly edgy political cartoons. History will, however absolve him. In 2006 he discovered a new Shakespeare play, but it's going to take a new generation to acknowledge it.