[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
‘Lonely Little Petunia’ syndrome spreading faster than Ebola for Democrats
DES MOINES, IOWA — Democratic voters throughout America were in deep shock this morning when President Barack Obama did not write to them asking for money.
Disturbed Democrats and even some Independents were observed displaying symptoms of acute withdrawal, including twitches, sniffles and having trouble reaching for their wallets.
“Now that they’ve all stopped writing I feel so used,” said Ed “Grumpy Gus” Gillespie of Des Moines, Iowa. “Not even Barbra Streisand writes any more, and she’ll sign anything.”
Gillespie added: “Before November 5 they just couldn’t get enough of me. I was like the last rose of summer. Now I’m just a lonely little petunia in an onion patch. All I do is cry all day.”
Gillespie explained that for the past several months, “and maybe even for a year,” morning emails from Democrats had regularly “shocked him into consciousness” with frightening subject lines addressed to him personally. They got scarier as the election approached.
“Like ‘ED GILLESPIE! DISASTER IS ABOUT TO STRIKE!’” he said. “And ‘ED GILLESPIE! CAN YOU CHIP IN $5.00 OR MORE?’
“Even The Daily KOS got into the act, putting my name into its actual headlines! ‘Ed Gillespie, if you can’t chip in $5.00 or more, can you make phone calls?’ Within no time I’d be groping for my debit card or choking on my coffee over another GOP atrocity.”
Gillespie continued: “When you’re terrified first thing, you sure get going fast. God, I miss that. How am I supposed to wake up in the morning now?”
This reporter assured Mr. Gillespie that things would soon be back to normal. “The 2016 presidential campaign is already under way,” I told him. “They’ll be back to scaring up the big bucks in no time at all.”
“Thank God,” Gillespie said. “I tried worrying about Ebola and ISIS, but I’m just not a Republican.”
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