[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
‘ISIS is even lower than Hitler and Stalin’ says Beelzebub, in unprecedented move
HADES – The Satanic Council announced today that a new and unimaginably horrific Tenth Level of Hell has been opened up for the ISIS officers and agents responsible for the destruction of ancient works of art and sculpture in Syria and Iraq.
Individual fire-and-brimstone rooms will be set aside for the Taliban and other demented cultist who have blown-up Buddhas, defaced pharaonic kings and gods, slashed priceless paintings and burned precious religious manuscripts.
A Laszlo Thoth Room commemorates the lunatic who attacked Michelangelo’s Pieta in 1972. Offenders will be turned into living, sentient stone, systematically beaten into a fine powder with the same sledgehammers they themselves used, consumed by a slow fire, and then reconstructed so the whole thing can happen all over again.
The Council’s members include The Devil Himself (honorary chair), Satan, Beelzebub, Lucifer and Mephistopheles. In a unanimous statement members said that the present Ninth Region of Hell, which houses and eternally torments Hitler, Stalin, Pol Pot and Idi Amin, is now considered to be insufficiently horrific and painful for those responsible for the recent smashings and burnings in Mosul.
“Their frightening nihilism has appalled even us,” said Council spokesdemon Beelzebub. “At first we thought we might have some use for them, especially during their beheading phase, but then they started destroying images even of us, real devils, along with His goody-goody saints. So that’s what started us thinking.”
Beelzebub reminded reporters that earlier this year even the tormented shade of Hitler had called ISIS “total animals,” claiming that they “made even me look half-civilized.” http://www.humortimes.com/28735/isis-burn-heretics-public/
“After lengthy discussions among ourselves,” Beelzebub continued, “we realized he had a point. For all their brutality and book burnings, even the Nazis finally understood and respected the importance of art. They didn’t destroy it, they just looted it.”
Beelzebub added that the level and nature of the torments to be installed in the Tenth Region were still being designed by Disneyland imagineers from the Third Region, the same ones who came up with It’s A Small World and especially its song. “Now that’s truly hell on earth,” he grinned evilly.
Beelzebub noted that while Hell’s usual fire, brimstone, screams of the damned and torture implements would be freely employed, a high degree of customization would also be built into the Tenth.
“For example, when they get here,” Beelzebub said, “all hot and horny for their 72 virgins, we act all surprised and then let them know that actually it’s not 72 virgins, it’s just one 72-year old virgin. Based on a re-interpretation of the Koran, of course.
“You should just see some of their faces,” the devil laughed devilishly. “Then we escort them to our It’s A Small World replica and make them get on with their new virgin. We tell them the ride’s forever but really it’s only a couple of thousand years. Then it’s on to Mr Toad’s Wild Ride for another couple of millennia, etc. We have lots of time.”
Beelzebub noted that they get their 72-year old virgins “from up there, you know, The Other Place. They’ve got tons of them only too ready to come down here on the off-chance that they’ll finally get laid.
“And sometimes they do. One man’s meat and all that.”
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