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Satan Opens 10th Region of Hades for ISIS Art Destroyers

Mar 012015
 
 By , March 1, 2015

‘ISIS is even lower than Hitler and Stalin’ says Beelzebub, in unprecedented move

HADES – The Satanic Council announced today that a new and unimaginably horrific Tenth Level of Hell has been opened up for the ISIS officers and agents responsible for the destruction of ancient works of art and sculpture in Syria and Iraq.

ISIS

ISIS art destroyers going straight to hell.

Individual fire-and-brimstone rooms will be set aside for the Taliban and other demented cultist who have blown-up Buddhas, defaced pharaonic kings and gods, slashed priceless paintings and burned precious religious manuscripts.

A Laszlo Thoth Room commemorates the lunatic who attacked Michelangelo’s Pieta in 1972. Offenders will be turned into living, sentient stone, systematically beaten into a fine powder with the same sledgehammers they themselves used, consumed by a slow fire, and then reconstructed so the whole thing can happen all over again.

The Council’s members include The Devil Himself (honorary chair), Satan, Beelzebub, Lucifer and Mephistopheles. In a unanimous statement members said that the present Ninth Region of Hell, which houses and eternally torments Hitler, Stalin, Pol Pot and Idi Amin, is now considered to be insufficiently horrific and painful for those responsible for the recent smashings and burnings in Mosul.

“Their frightening nihilism has appalled even us,” said Council spokesdemon Beelzebub. “At first we thought we might have some use for them, especially during their beheading phase, but then they started destroying images even of us, real devils, along with His goody-goody saints. So that’s what started us thinking.”

Beelzebub reminded reporters that earlier this year even the tormented shade of Hitler had called ISIS “total animals,” claiming that they “made even me look half-civilized.” http://www.humortimes.com/28735/isis-burn-heretics-public/

“After lengthy discussions among ourselves,” Beelzebub continued, “we realized he had a point. For all their brutality and book burnings, even the Nazis finally understood and respected the importance of art. They didn’t destroy it, they just looted it.”

Beelzebub added that the level and nature of the torments to be installed in the Tenth Region were still being designed by Disneyland imagineers from the Third Region, the same ones who came up with It’s A Small World and especially its song. “Now that’s truly hell on earth,” he grinned evilly.

Beelzebub noted that while Hell’s usual fire, brimstone, screams of the damned and torture implements would be freely employed, a high degree of customization would also be built into the Tenth.

“For example, when they get here,” Beelzebub said, “all hot and horny for their 72 virgins, we act all surprised and then let them know that actually it’s not 72 virgins, it’s just one 72-year old virgin. Based on a re-interpretation of the Koran, of course.

“You should just see some of their faces,” the devil laughed devilishly. “Then we escort them to our It’s A Small World replica and make them get on with their new virgin. We tell them the ride’s forever but really it’s only a couple of thousand years. Then it’s on to Mr Toad’s Wild Ride for another couple of millennia, etc. We have lots of time.”

Beelzebub noted that they get their 72-year old virgins “from up there, you know, The Other Place. They’ve got tons of them only too ready to come down here on the off-chance that they’ll finally get laid.

“And sometimes they do. One man’s meat and all that.”

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Michael was born in South Africa at the height of the apartheid era He quickly became involved in the underground resistance movement, knew Nelson Mandela and other prominent revolutionaries, some of whom later moved into privileged positions formerly occupied by whites. After several exciting escapes, he was forced to flee the country in disguise. He successfully made his way to the UK and gained his PhD at Cambridge on a university scholarship, He then pursued the dual career of college professor and social revolutionary, provoking academic and political mayhem wherever he went. Having thus failed miserably at both politics and education, he now cynically rails like Diogenes at the foibles of mankind in bitter satires and faintly subtly edgy political cartoons. History will, however absolve him. In 2006 he discovered a new Shakespeare play, but it's going to take a new generation to acknowledge it.

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  • David Suter

    Excellent! I’ve already voluntereed to go over and help glue giant Buddhas back together!

  • David Suter

    And now, after taking what they consider valuable, they have bulldozed the ancient (1400BC) city of Nimrud in Iraq. There will have to be yet more circles of Hell built.

    • Nick S.

      Sad indeed.