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“Let’s face it, you guys are fucked,” Superman tells Rachel Maddow in final TV interview.
METROPOLIS, OL – World-renowned crime fighter and iconic symbol of Truth, Justice and The American Way, Superman, announced today that he was giving up on earth and would soon return to his recently reconstituted home planet of Krypton.
“Let’s face it,” Superman said on The Rachel Maddow Show, “America is fucked. Fifty years ago you stood for something good and positive. Freedom from want and fear, liberty of speech and conscience.
“But now you are all just guns, bigotry, police violence, and greed, summed up by that disgusting creep, Rush Limbaugh, and his heartless political mini-me, Dick Cheney. Let the poor, sick and elderly starve! Do away with their heath care, education, right to vote, civil freedoms, economic opportunities, right to pursue happiness!
“As for the Kochs and Sheldon Adelsons of this world,” he continued, “I can’t fight for people like them anymore. They hardly even seem human to me. What kind of person could sit on all that money, day after day, knowing that others are literally starving to death or dying without medicines? It’s honestly beyond me.”
The disillusioned superhero said that he had considered reversing the planet’s spin so as to return us all to an earlier and better time when Americans really were greeted as liberators. However astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson had counseled against it because all humanity would fly off the earth’s surface and be instantly destroyed.
Superman said he was thus going to “quietly take off,” just as soon as he could change back into mild-mannered reporter Clark Kent, and clean out his desk at the Daily Planet.
“After that,” he added,” humanity can just go to hell in its own customized hand basket without me.”
“Talking about same-sex marriage,” said Rachel Maddow, “do you think Batman and Robin will be able to serve in your place?”
“Not with Lois Lane, obviously,” laughed the Man of Steel. “And no either to fighting America’s real injustices and inequalities. Listen, Bruce Wayne is a billionaire, look him up on Wikipedia. He’s solidly one-percent. You think he’s gonna take on the banks and Wall Street?”
Superman said that America’s problems could no longer be solved by a sock on the jaw or its street equivalent, militarized police licensed to kill indiscriminately.
“What it’s going to take,” he said, “is the realization that you’re all in this together, and that together you’ll sink or swim, literally. However, it’s pretty clear to me which way you’re going, so it’s up, up, and away for your favorite ex-superhero.”
Superman said that he would probably write his memoirs and publish them on the intergalacticnet.
“Maybe someday your descendants will be able to read them,” he said. “Though I really doubt your species will see out the current century. All the Ricks — Scott, Perry and Santorum — will surely see to that.”
Adjusting his red cloak, the man in blue stood up, muscles bulging. “And now, to infinity and beyond!” he happily laughed . “I always say that these days! Up, up and away is so last century. It’s the one memorable thing you suckers ever gave me.”
And with one mighty bound, humanity’s last hope was forever gone…
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