[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Police departments across America are horrified by what Ariana Grande did to donuts. They are all also trying to confiscate a copy of the video.
“This is not Ms. Grande’s first licking offense, and I am afraid it won’t be her last,” Sheriff Michael Vasquez told the Los Angeles Times.
California police say they are “currently examining” video footage that appears to show pop superstar Ariana Grande licking donuts. Law enforcers in Lake Elsinore, a city in western Riverside County where the donut shop is located, say they are “truly disturbed” by the leaked video, which shows the 22-year-old “orally molesting” the donuts “like a crazed lunatic.”
According to Deputy Vasquez, “Donuts have a special place in the hearts of Americans, especially the police force, so this crime is being taken very seriously. You know the way a white supremacist looks at the Confederate flag with wonder and awe. Well, that’s how the police force views each and every donut. The licking was not just insulting, it was blasphemous.”
Martin Solis, 23, a cashier at Wolfee Donuts who was on duty when Grande and her tongue entered the store, said the singer didn’t purchase any of the 27 donuts she appeared to lick.
“She was looking at my babies, you know, the donuts, salivating like a starved dog. The telephone started ringing, I went to answer it, and when I hung up, honestly, it was like a thunderstorm had rained down on the donuts. They were all covered with saliva. It was really disturbing,” Solis told the Associated Press.
Don Lemon, the CNN news anchor, was quick to add his sensationalist take on events, comparing the “atrocity” to an act of terror. “This is crazy, possibly the worst thing to happen to America since the Boston Marathon bombing.”
According to various, highly respected sources, Grande has been licking donuts and other sugary snacks for years. In 2011, reportedly, video footage of Ariana Grande “maliciously licking” a chocolate muffin in Canada was destroyed by her security guard, and in 2013, according to Fox News, another video of her licking a croissant was destroyed.
The celebrity, who previously appeared on Nickelodeon’s failure of a television series, ironically named Victorious, was caught red-handed on Wolfee Donuts’ security cameras. Joe Marin, the shop’s owner filed a report with Lake Elsinore police on Wednesday, July 7, and the video went viral the very next day.
Marin, obviously outraged, told local news outlets he hopes “Ariana Grande will pay for her sins.”
“You might think I’m being dramatic,” he said, “but I’m a firm believer in the death penalty. People should be punished accordingly for their crimes, and Ariana knows that she has committed a heinous, utterly unforgivable act.”
An apparently sincere Niall Horan of One Direction called upon Ariana Grande’s fans to lick a donut “in solidarity” with the pop icon. Although no evidence of anyone joining the revolution has emerged, one can’t help but feel that donut-inspired riots are just around the corner.
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