[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
“He’s the only man who can lead this country forward,” says airline pilot with a straight face.
BALTIMORE — According to multiple reports out today, Cpt. Fred Staples, a 20 year commercial airline pilot responsible for hundreds of lives at any given time, will be pulling the lever for Donald Trump in this year’s presidential election.
“In my estimation he just has the right temperament for the job,” he said of Trump — a candidate who has masqueraded as his own PR spokesman in order to lie to tabloid reporters about his sex life, brought up the size of his own penis in a presidential debate and believes Ted Cruz’s father was involved in the assassination of JFK.
“I just feel like he’s the only man who can lead this country forward,” Staples said out loud, with a straight face and in full earshot of hundreds of passengers for whom he will soon be the only person standing between them and almost certain death.
Staples admitted, however, that Ted Cruz — a candidate who believes all Transgenders are hell-bent on sexually assaulting his daughters and who once ate a booger on live television — was his original choice.
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