[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Trump on Fox: Tax Returns ‘Creatively Fraudulent,’ Shouldn’t Have to Publish

‘This is exactly the kind of hypocritical dishonesty we want from an American president!’ said Sean Hannity during an interview with Trump on his tax returns.

NYC – Donald Trump admitted on Sean Hannity’s show last night that the reason he won’t release his tax returns is that they are “creatively fraudulent,” and that making them public would “undermine the whole principle of business fraudulence, which depends on secrecy and public ignorance.”

Trump tax returns“I mean, look at what happened to Martha Stewart!” Trump explained. “I ain’t going to jail for no principle of transparency, in fact, I have no principles at all.”

The next US president continued: “Listen, you people have to realize that guys like me cannot make billions overnight if everyone can see how we lie, cheat and steal. It’s gotta be done in secret, right? I mean, thieves come in the dark, not daylight.

“What, you want me to publicly reveal how I ripped off thousands of US citizens during the housing crisis? You want me to tell everyone where in Panama exactly my loot is stashed? I thought we were supposed to be living in a f*cking plutocracy?”

“Besides,” Mr Trump went on, pointing up to God to show how Christian he is, “you tell me where in the Constitution it says you can’t misrepresent your income to the IRS? I know the names of lots of scholars, my friend. Lying to those IRS bloodsuckers is every American’s constitutional right and I will exercise mine! Those are bad people!”

Mr Trump noted further that publishing his tax returns would be like a “rogue magician” revealing to the world how he and his colleagues do their tricks.

“It would be a complete violation of trust, and I know that every billionaire in this country, even what’s-his-name Soros and them Koch Brothers who say they hate me so much, silently agree. We all fiddle our taxes, eh boys? I mean, take every legitimate deduction.”

After a short commercial break, Sean Hannity disengaged his mouth from Trump’s rump long enough to garble out how “refreshing” it was to hear a presidential candidate “be so creatively hypocritical and dishonest.

“This is just the kind of sleazy double-speak the modern US presidency requires,” he said, “and that Obama has so signally lacked.

“Except on the TPP, of course.”

Michael Egan