[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
‘Rebranding will help make America great again, again’ says minority president-elect
Soon-to-be-President-for-life Donald J. Trump announced today that his first official act as President would be to rename the United States of America.
“We’re going to make America great, again. Almost half the American people voted to make America great, again, and that’s what I’m going to do. I’m a smart person, a smart businessman, smart. I’m smart. I wouldn’t be President if I wasn’t smart.
“A smart businessman knows when a brand isn’t working. And what do you do with a business that isn’t working? You rebrand it! Sell people the same junk under a new name. So we’re going to rename the United States of America and make it great, again.”
Democrats House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi and Senator Chuck Schumer registered their opposition. “You can’t rename the United States,” Nancy Pelosi was heard to say.
But senior Trump advisor Kellyanne Conway quickly dismissed the notion. Appearing on Fox and Friends, Ms. Conway pointed out, “There’s nothing in the Constitution that prohibits the President from renaming the country. Almost half the people of the United States voted for change. It’s time the whiny Democrats shut up. Soon-to-be-President-for-Life Trump can do anything the Constitution doesn’t explicitly say he can’t do.”
After filing an official protest letter, Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi said, “That’s all we can do. There’s nothing in the Constitution that bars the President from renaming the United States, so this is all we can do. An official protest letter will let him know we’re only going to roll over a few times or more. He’ll know, now, he might get some stern stares from the Democrats.”
When asked what the new name of the United States would be, soon-to-be-President-for-life Trump said, “The United States of America was a great name, but its lost its greatness. It needs a new name. A great name. And what greater name than the name almost half of all Americans voted for – Trump. Trump is a name known all over the world. It means greatness. It’s a great name. So Trump has to be part of the name.
“I gave this idea a lot of my super-smart brain power and took suggestions from a few of my closest advisers and buddies. Just to show you I gave this idea a lot of my smartness, here are some of the names I considered:
Trumpistan: My buddy Putin came up with that one. It’s a great name, and given his help with the election it does accurately portray our new role with our buds, Russia. But Trumpistan didn’t quite have the right ring to it for me.
TrumpiKKKa: Steve Bannon liked that one. It does sum up where I intend to lead the country. I’ll be President for all the people, especially all the white people. Well, all the rich, white people. So not really a good name. Maybe if we could put a dollar sign in the name.
United States of Trump: That name sounds pretty good, doesn’t it? But it’s not true. California and a few other states don’t seem to like me as President. But that will change. You hear me, California and New York and all the other places that didn’t vote for me? Once I’m Commander-in-Chief, I’ll have tanks, and then I’ll be sure all the states are united.
In the end, I decided on Trump. Now that’s a great name. Simply Trump. There are Trump towers and Trump hotels and Trump casinos. Now there will be a Trump country.”
Soon-to-be-President-for-life Trump added, “We’ll build a great statue to commemorate the event, the moment I made Trump (formerly the USA) great again. It will be a great statue of me. Of course. We’ll build it on Liberty Island. Hmm. Might have to rename that island, too. But don’t worry, we’ll tear down that ugly, green statue, and put up an enormous, orange statue of me. We certainly won’t need the Statue of Liberty once I make the former America great again.
Don’t forget – I’ll have tanks.”
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