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[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]

Category 3 Hurricane Really Half-Assing It

Aug 062017
 
 By , August 6, 2017

Despite being afforded every opportunity since birth, Hurricane Chet is simply not living up to expectations.

Expectations were significantly lowered this week after it became clear Hurricane Chet is not giving his all and therefore not anticipated to amount to anything better than a Category 3 hurricane.

hurricane chet

Photo credit: NASA Goddard MODIS Rapid Response Team. Creative Commons license.

With sustained winds of 116 mph, Chet is pissing away every advantage given to him, according to meteorologists at the National Weather Service.

“We had high hopes for Chet,” meteorologist Steve Zimmerman said.

“As a planet, we gave him a nurturing environment: record-high ocean temperatures and a healthy easterly wind flow. Yet, Chet seems to be floundering without any motivation for self-betterment.”

Chet has apparently squandered every opportunity afforded to him, wandering listlessly about 90 miles southeast of Cuba.

The National Weather Service says Chet will make landfall whenever he gets around to it.

“By all meteorological standards, Chet is really half-assing it,” Zimmerman said.

“One day, he is going to wake up half dead on a beach in the Florida panhandle, wondering what he did with his life.”

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Matt Rotman

Matt Rotman is a writer and comic. His work has been featured in National Lampoon, Modern Times Magazine, Diabolique Magazine, The New Southerner, Marathon Literary Review, and the anthologies, [Ex]tinguished & [Ex]tinct: An Anthology of Things That No Longer [Ex]ist (Twelve Winters Press) and Puff Puff Prose, Poetry and a Play Vol II. He lives in San Diego, CA.

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