[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Expert Blames Former Russian Leader for Present Day Political Dysfunction

Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

SNN historian states that if the political dysfunction in Washington seems particularly bad, we can blame Nikita Khruschchev.

Many Americans think that the political dysfunction in Washington is such that politicians are completely out of touch with common folk. SNN historian Backindah Daye has looked into the situation and done a 10-year study of the problem. He has uncovered a little known incident that may reveal the reason for the problem.

Blame Nikita Khrushchev for political dysfunction
By GIRO – Time magazine, Public Domain.

Russian leader Nikita Khruschchev is most famous for promising America that “We will bury you.” Much like Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump, Khruschchev had a relationship with then Vice President and Presidential candidate Richard Nixon. In October of 1960, Khruschchev ventured to Washington to visit his good buddy Nixon.

According to Ms. Daye, one evening Nikita and Nixon were in the White House basement drinking vodka, eating hot dogs and caviar and playing Russian Strip Poker. Khruschchev excused himself to do the “Big Kaboomski.”

But instead of going to the bathroom, Khruschchev went to the room that controlled the water supply for the Capitol and dumped 10 pounds of raw Schittlezelmakke tea into it. He had obtained it from a band of Slobovian Gypsies, who use the tea to punish their enemies.

Schittezelmakke tea is also known as “doofus tea.” Instead of putting curses on their enemies, Slobovian gypsies feed them the tea, which causes their brains to shrink and their thinking processes to shut down, so that they wander around aimlessly getting nothing done.

Normally a strong batch of the tea has to be brewed for 40 years. But since Khruschchev dumped raw tea into the water supply, it would take about 60 years to take effect, hitting the White House and Congress with utter political dysfunction in late 2020 or early 2021.

SNN attempted to obtain some of the tea, but were told that all of it had been purchased by television programming execs.

SNN Words To Live By

“Once a man holds public office… he is absolutely no good for honest work.” — Will Rogers

“Talk is cheap because the supply is so much greater than the demand.” Hee Haw

Ted Holland