[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Vote: How to Fight the Next Civil War

Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

America is undoubtedly headed for the next civil war, but citizens must first decide which issues to kill each other over.

According to Dr. Ovadah Rainbowe, head of the SPAOS (Sex, Politics And Other Schitte) Department at the University of Vagina at Tampon Springs, modern America is undoubtedly headed for the next civil war. But the country is so divided over so many issues that citizens will have to go to the polls in November to decide which issues to kill each other over.

next civil war, red vs blueDr. Rainbowe explained: “Once upon a time in America, you only had to decide if you were white or black, rich or poor, Catholic or Protestant, Democrat or Republican, master or slave, colored or black and white… now Americans are divided over dozens of issues of all types. All of which must be decided upon before the next civil war can begin.”

Among the divisions and rivalries that will be on the November Ballot are:

  • Yankees vs Rebels
  • Yankees vs Red Sox
  • Blacks vs Whites
  • Rich vs Poor
  • Trump vs Biden
  • Trump vs Liz Cheney
  • Trump vs Everydamnbody
  • NRA vs No Guns
  • Democrats vs Republicans
  • Roes vs Wades
  • Fox News vs MSNBC
  • LGBQT vs Strait
  • WWE vs AEW
  • Masked vs Unmasked
  • Vaccinated vs Unvaccinated
  • Carolina vs Duke
  • Vegans vs Cannibals
  • Cable vs Streaming
  • Bad Guys vs Cops
  • Everybody vs Cops
  • Redskins (whoops) vs Cowboys
  • State of Texas vs Mexico
  • Marvel vs Disney
  • New York Times vs Humor Times

Voters may begin voting early, right now, by using this form! Circle your choices and mail the form, along with your drivers license and a $50.00 cash voting fee, to the Humor Times.

SNN Words To Live By

“May I have some dirt?” — James Dean, Rebel Without a Cause

“A bird in the hand is alright for some, but I’d rather have the bush.” — Chuck Barris, The Gong Show

“There are three things a man and a woman should never share. A bathroom, a bank account and a lover.” — Dr. Sweet Mama Dorite, SNN

Ted Holland