[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

President Biden to Unveil New College Student Homicide Forgiveness Program

Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

New “College Student Homicide Forgiveness Program” announced to give unfortunate killers a new start.

If by chance in 1965 you killed your freshman college roommate for farting 320 times an hour, or for playing his stereo full blast at 3 AM, or for screwing his girlfriend while you were cramming for a World Lit exam… there is great news for you.

Homicide forgiveness, joe biden, prachatai
Image by Prachatai, flickr.com.

If, during Rush Week of 1978, you drunkenly poured two gallons of Purple Jesus down the gullet of one of your frat pledges and he accidentally died, and you buried him in the frat house basement, you too are in luck.

According to SNN Education reporter Dee Minus, President Joe Biden, on the heels of his much-heralded Student Loan Forgiveness Program, is about to unveil his College Student Homicide Forgiveness Program.

To qualify for the program, you must have been registered at a four-year college or university within the United States. You must have been a full-time student with a GPA of at least 0.002 and there must still be an active murder warrant out for you. Murders committed by part-time students and murders committed while attending a Community College do not qualify. If you committed suicide while attending college, you do not qualify. Student athletes who killed their coach also do not qualify.

To find out if you qualify for the College Student Homicide Forgiveness Program, logon to www.Dididothat.edu.

SNN Words to Live By

“Some folks don’t understand it. That’s why they don’t demand it.” — 1962 song It Will Stand

“Truth is stranger than Philadephia.” — Hee Haw TV show

“If you can’t beat ’em… forget ’em.” — Buddy Sorrell (Morey Amsterdam), The Dick Van Dyke Show

Ted Holland