Meet Special Master Mistress Ilsa - David Wollman, Humor Times

Lawyers for Trump, DOJ agree on a Special Master to review the Mar-a-Lago documents seized by the FBI.

Mistress Ilsa strode into the press conference bolstered by the click-click of her 6-inch stilettos. At the podium, the most famous Special Master in history laid it on the line. “Ich bin the master!” A sharp slap of her riding crop followed. “You will refer to me as master or mistress!” the German-born American continued.

Mistress Ilsa described her lengthy professional career involving highly confidential, top secret, triple-X classified material. “I take a pain-staking approach to my work. But people learn to love it. This results in a satisfying, even pleasurable experience for all.” She expects the same will be true in the Mar-a-Lago case. Mistress Ilsa was the only non-partisan candidate that both the DOJ and the Trump team could agree upon.

Still, the process of the file review is anxiety-provoking for both sides. A DOJ spokesman expressed concern that the process might handcuff their efforts to find the truth. Trump’s team expressed fears that a straitjacket might be placed around their ability to legally manoeuvre.

Mistress Ilsa waved off their concerns. “Mistress Ilsa is demanding, but fair. If a document is withheld, Ich mache spanky-spanky,” brandishing her riding crop. “If I find Top Secret (documents), also, spanky-spanky.”

Some observers in the room were clearly caught off guard by the proceedings. Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) was seen blushing and squirming in his seat. A wide-eyed, former VP Mike Pence stuttered and giggled when a reporter asked about the House Whip.

In closing, Mistress Ilsa restated her commitment to a fair review process. Stiffening her back and clicking her heels she pronounced “My word is my bondage.”

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David Wollman

David Wollman lives north of the border. No, not that border. The other one. Canada. (sighs) He uses his keyboard in the struggle to give voice to those who speak goof to power, and remind us all that it takes a village to raise an idiot. David's new screenplay is a multiverse of satire, "CULTURE WARS:THE FARCE AWAKENS".