[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Meet the Special Master … Mistress Ilsa

Lawyers for Trump, DOJ agree on a Special Master to review the Mar-a-Lago documents seized by the FBI.

Mistress Ilsa strode into the press conference bolstered by the click-click of her 6-inch stilettos. At the podium, the most famous Special Master in history laid it on the line. “Ich bin the master!” A sharp slap of her riding crop followed. “You will refer to me as master or mistress!” the German-born American continued.

Special Master
Special Master Mistress Ilsa.

Mistress Ilsa described her lengthy professional career involving highly confidential, top secret, triple-X classified material. “I take a pain-staking approach to my work. But people learn to love it. This results in a satisfying, even pleasurable experience for all.” She expects the same will be true in the Mar-a-Lago case. Mistress Ilsa was the only non-partisan candidate that both the DOJ and the Trump team could agree upon.

Still, the process of the file review is anxiety-provoking for both sides. A DOJ spokesman expressed concern that the process might handcuff their efforts to find the truth. Trump’s team expressed fears that a straitjacket might be placed around their ability to legally manoeuvre.

Mistress Ilsa waved off their concerns. “Mistress Ilsa is demanding, but fair. If a document is withheld, Ich mache spanky-spanky,” brandishing her riding crop. “If I find Top Secret (documents), also, spanky-spanky.”

Some observers in the room were clearly caught off guard by the proceedings. Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) was seen blushing and squirming in his seat. A wide-eyed, former VP Mike Pence stuttered and giggled when a reporter asked about the House Whip.

In closing, Mistress Ilsa restated her commitment to a fair review process. Stiffening her back and clicking her heels she pronounced “My word is my bondage.”

David Wollman