Who knew there was almost a Karlo in the Marx Brothers Act, but with a little help from Antiques Roadshow – here’s the Karl Marx audition transcript!
KARL MARX
I can prove we’re related. I found an Elephant in my pajamas too!
GROUCHO MARX
You’re weird because I made that up! No, we’re not related – let me see you walk!
No, that’s John Wayne! This is me.
GROUCHO
I see you didn’t come prepared.
KARL
Couldn’t find a Kazoo.
GROUCHO
Didn’t you see Harpo’s Harp – we’ve got high-class instruments here!
KARL
I saw your Act – how about ‘Wax Paper & a Comb’ – here!
GROUCHO
Do you like women?
KARL
On occasion.
GROUCHO shakes his head in disbelief!
KARL (animated)
I love ’em! Crazy about ’em! Coo-Coo about their buttocks!
GROUCHO
WTF! Who let him in?
KARL
I know ‘Secret Words’ like you. 50 dollars.
GROUCHO
50 dollars – that’s the Secret word?
KARL
No, I’ll tell you the Secret word for $50.
GROUCHO
Where’d you go to college – Wharton?
KARL
C’mon, I want to be in the famous ‘Stateroom’ Sketch – you know, on a ship!
GROUCHO
Can you hold your breath & squeeze a Maid’s ass at the same time?
KARL
I’m a quick learner!
GROUCHO
Let me get ‘the boys’ down here to check you out.
KARL
In Russia, we call that a Firing Squad!
GROUCHO
Well, you’re not in Russia anymore, Toto! Why Comedy?
KARL
Okay, I’m in hiding!
GROUCHO
Do you know what ‘Slapstick‘ is – how about ‘a Punch Line’?
KARL
‘A Bread Line’ I know. I stood in line once & lost 4 toes in winter!
GROUCHO
Well, did you get the bread?
KARL
Would the answer get me a laugh?
GROUCHO
Well, let’s wait for ‘the Twitter’ numbers & Elon to put down the sink! haha
GROUCHO
You know, in America we don’t stand in line for anything – if you don’t count Costco!
KARL
What is this Costco?
GROUCHO
Well Karl, it’s a lot like your famous quote:
“FROM EACH ACCORDING TO HIS ABILITY, TO EACH ACCORDING TO HIS NEED”.
KARL
You mean ‘Buying in bulk’? heehee That’s so bourgeoisie!
No, ‘Greed’ isn’t good.
GROUCHO
Then you won’t mind me giving you this cheap Cigar!
Now, how can you help our Act?
KARL
I’m a Thinker.
GROUCHO
What are you thinking now?
KARL
Chico looks like he knows how to place a bet.
GROUCHO
But you’re not funny.
KARL
Well, that’s up to Marilyn Sands, isn’t it!
GROUCHO
Who?
KARL
That’s what I said.
GROUCHO
Karl, didn’t you die in 1883?
KARL
All I ask is a night at the Opera!
GROUCHO
Folks, “Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped”!
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